Despite all the attention put on women's nether-region issues (smell, yeastiness, terrifying ability to create life), a man's most crippling malady has been left unaddressed -- but no longer. Now on shelves everywhere: TBones.
Created by a Hollywood urologist, TBones are over-the-counter supplements designed to actively combat the shameful ravages of Steak Dick -- your penis's biggest problem, other than utter neglect. The outside of each gel-cap's infused with a melange of herbs formulated to halt Steak-D's initial shrivelage phase, while the liquid interior heads off the ceaseless shaft-sweating guaranteed to arise whether you beef-bloat at Cut, or Norm's. Simply swallow one pill before your first bite of porterhouse, then pop another immediately upon finishing dessert (a slightly smaller porterhouse).
Like anything designed to curb perspiration, TBones may produce cottonmouth; also, effectiveness diminishes with repeated use, so employ them sparingly, as the only thing more powerful than a woman's need to reproduce is her disgustedness at your sweaty little nob.