Despite all the attention put on women's nether-region issues (smell, yeastiness, terrifying ability to create life), a man's most crippling malady has been left unaddressed -- but no longer. Now on shelves everywhere: TBones.
Created by a Hollywood urologist, TBones are over-the-counter supplements designed to actively combat the shameful ravages of Steak Dick -- your penis's biggest problem, other than utter neglect. The outside of each gel-cap's infused with a melange of herbs formulated to halt Steak-D's initial shrivelage phase, while the liquid interior heads off the ceaseless shaft-sweating guaranteed to arise whether you beef-bloat at Cut, or Norm's. Simply swallow one pill before your first bite of porterhouse, then pop another immediately upon finishing dessert (a slightly smaller porterhouse).