Reason 10: I resent the fact that Webster’s recognizes “smartphone” as a word. I also resent the definition: “a cell phone that includes additional software functions (as e-mail or an Internet browser)”.
Not only does it appear to be missing the word “such,” it also unfairly implies that, because it lacks these additional software functions, my phone is dumb. My phone can call freaking Mozambique from a strip club. My phone is a goddamn genius.
Reason 11: Funny thing: I can’t 'Reply-All' to group texts. Funnier thing: the totally inane crap that goes on in group texts is the same stuff I like to talk about in person. I’m damn sure not going to hand over my mouth’s limited supply of ammunition to my thumbs.
Reason 12: I don’t play console games featuring amazingly life-like alternate universes. How much do you think I regret not being able to play smartphone games featuring sh*tty-looking birds? Besides, what’s the point of playing any video game if you’re too old to brag about how good you are at it?
Reason 13: I enjoy allowing my parents to feel younger and hipper than me. Like your parents, mine also have smartphones.
Reason 14: I enjoy feeling like I’m a better human being than all the young people who sit there screwing with their phones in social situations. It’s a far easier route to moral superiority than getting involved in a cause and then scolding them by saying things like “you young people don’t even know about this cause that I am involved in.”