Age 30 is a turning point in the lives of most people; you’re finally out your wretched twenties, there’s some semblance of money in your checking account—hopefully—and you’ve put a stop to wearing bottle opener keychains.
However, like the younglings who were (foolishly) born after us, 30 doesn’t equate to an age where it’s inappropriate to stop staring at your phone all day. So, you can all relax. However, if you’re still staring and swiping at any number of the following apps, we’ve got a problem on our hands.
Check out this list, do some deleting, and thank me in the morning.
This Smartphone Drone Case Lets You Take Photos & Videos From New Heights
Candy Crush is for middle school children and teachers who’ve confiscated the phones of their middle school children. You know what you could do instead of demolishing fictional pieces of candy? So many activities!!
Look, it’s high time that we all go on record and admit that Snapchat is for nudie pics. If you’re an adult in your thirties and you’re not using Snapchat for archiving spank bank material, then that means you’re using the app to gawk at your younger friends hula-hoop at Coachella and Burning Man. And probably getting your news from the “Discover” feature.
Swiping is out, real life dates are back. Tinder is something you should probably get out of your system in your twenties because Tinder is way less fun when you realize you're 10 years older than half your dates. Plus there are way classier apps that blow Tinder out of the water.
4. Apple Maps
While this app falls into the category of “excruciatingly un-deletable Apple apps," that doesn’t mean you have to be using it. It’s ridiculous that these guys haven’t figured out a way to take you from Point A to Point B without leading you directly into the mouth of an active volcano. Hide in a folder titled “UGGGHHHHHHH.” That’s what I do.
Yik Yak is a novel idea—you can listen to the deepest thoughts and secrets of college students all around you! Totally novel and interesting...especially if you’re a college student. This doesn’t apply to 30-year-olds who are finishing college or grad school for the first time, you need to unleash some of that stress.
Unless you’re working at Buzzfeed and hungry for content, Whisper is an app reserved for angst-ridden teens. You don’t need to be reading about the gripes of people who regularly take vodka shots through their eyeballs and drink light beer through funnels.
7. Angry Birds
In the same vein of Candy Crush, the world doesn’t need any more people causing trauma to birds—you’ve got feral bodega cats for that.
8. Cute or Not
Buzzfeed’s recently-released “animal Tinder” has a confusing enough mission statement as it is—an app where you rate other people’s pets and have your own pet rated by strangers. But there's no animal husbandry involved so what's the point frankly?
The infamous one-word app that sends nothing but a lone “Yo” to participating parties might have ironic value if it let you send "Dude" and "Sweet" back and forth. But it doesn't, so it's useless.
10. Push For Pizza
While we can appreciate the convenience aspect of Push For Pizza, there’s just no reason to have such easy access to food. Use Seamless, pick up the phone, or order online. If you don’t have these hurdles in your life, your story will end in heart disease like the rest of America. And you don't want that now, do you?!
The clear security flaws may have been resolved, but there’s a connotation with Venmo users you probably want to avoid. They’re usually in their twenties, don’t carry cash in their wallets, probably have a good deal of credit card debt, and definitely don’t have the necessary funds to pay back their friend for the extra-extra-large pizza they’re splitting. You gotta go straight cash, homie. Carry it.
While Omegle is at fault because the user base is largely anonymous, it is well-known that Kik appeals to teens—like, young teens. If you’re messaging people on Kik, you’re just asking for trouble. However, if you’re working with Chris Hansen to catch predators, all is well. But, take a seat right over there.
Originally titled “Bang With Friends,” this app specializes in finding people nearby who want to hook up with you without the pesky add-on of a meaningful relationship. Considering the original point of Down was to find people on your Facebook friend list to do it with, it’s probably a bad idea. If you really want to bang your friends, it’s better to go straight for the awkward conversation, because then you don’t have to wait if everything goes well.
14. Kim Kardashian: Hollywood
It’s absolutely mind-boggling to think that this app is in the top 20 in the app store—it’s a Kim Kardashian-based game where you don’t even play as the woman, but rather “your own aspiring celebrity.” Definitely not an app you should have if you’re thirty...or twenty...or forty...or anything between those numbers.
15. FarmVille 2: Country Escape
If you have FarmVille 2 on your phone, it means: a) You’re one of those people, now estranged from your friends and family who shamelessly send out uncountable invites to play FarmVille on Facebook. Shame on you. b) You were so entranced with the first FarmVille, that you needed to satisfy your misguided all-American bloodlust by downloading FarmVille 2. Double shame!!
Threesomes are great—well, they’re fine. They’re worth it if you know what you’re doing, but if you have to throw yourself out into the dating world to find people who are as curious as you, you probably don’t know what you’re doing. 3nder serves this purpose: helping thirsty parties find a thirsty third. People, your twenties should be spent finding those who are as kinky and weird as you are. It’s too late, let go.
While I don’t advocate stealing, I do support teaching people lessons. If you’re so sure you’re going to lose your phone that you feel the need to download an app just to find your lost phone, maybe you’re not old enough to own a phone. Say phone again: phone!
You’re in the golden age of information, where everything you want to know about your phone is available in front of you...um, on your phone. With the new-ish upgrade of having Siri able to identify songs for you, having the Shazam app really only shows that you’re out of touch. It’s like wearing baggy khaki pants or saying awful colonial things like “the Orient."
20. Find My Friends
I can tell you where your friends are right now: at another bar in Brooklyn ordering shots of electric blue vodka. Tell you what, you don’t need an app to find them and, if you do, they’re pretty sh*tty friends for not responding to your texts.
This is admittedly a cheap shot because no one under the age of 30 should be using Tidal either because it’s so shoddy. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, JAY Z?! FIX YOUR APP OR TELL THE ILLUMINATI TO DO IT FOR YOU. Get Spotify Premium and be done with it.
Finally (???) an app that tells your friends when you’re droppin’ a deuce. TadToy (an acronym for “taking a dump, thinking of you") literally tells your friends when you’re pooping. How much more is there to say about this? It’s fair to say that your friends probably don’t care, unless your squad is made up of high school boys—and that’s a whole different set of problems right there.
23. Secret Menu for Starbucks
While this app only costs 99 cents, it is the antithesis of everything that is the Internet. All this information is available on Google or like, Thrillist—ever heard of it? That was not a paid promotion, but they do literally pay our salaries.
If having a Chili's app doesn’t scream, “I never left my hometown after high school, by the way, you lookin’ to pick up a dank nug?” I don’t know what does.
I wholeheartedly endorse the destruction of any tip calculating apps. Every man, woman, and infant should know how to leave a basic tip. Move the decimal point to the left and multiply by two. There, you just left a 20 percent tip. You’re welcome.
26. Any Emoji app
Apple has a perfectly fine keyboard full of emojis at your disposal. Secondary apps will clutter your phone will off-brand emojis and confuse your friends of your age. They’ll look at your message and be like: “That’s weird, I didn’t know Jim was born in the late nineties. Lol.” They’ll all LOL AT YOU!
Tumblr is the digital age’s answer to The Freemasons—a club so exclusive that non-members are left in a tizzy of questions and, as the kids call it, bad vibes. That being said, this exclusive club is not for 30-year-olds on their phones, unless you’re in some kind of 21 Jump Street scenario where you absolutely must pose as a high schooler because Ice Cube told you to.
28. GIF Keyboard
Admittedly, there’s probably nothing wrong with this app. It probably works well, however, as a grownup in your thirties, you need the best app possible to convey your emotions via gif. Thus, you should only have Giphy on your phone. It’s the best and everything next to it is for little tiny babies with baby hands.
Honestly, people in their twenties shouldn’t be on Omegle. This app is rife with anonymity, which always means you’re going to get creeps who say “18/f/ct” when they’re actually “45/m/fl.” That’s a bad scene, delete that app dead.
Look, you’re a grown-up now and should have the time to stand up and use those legs of yours to walk on over to H&M to buy some cheap clothing. If you're saying a $10 pair of jeans isn't worth physical activity, then you're living in a sad world.
Jeremy Glass writes for Supercompressor during the day and colors with Crayons at night.