Things No Self-Respecting Person Should Do on Snapchat
Snap Talk is a safe space for Snapchat enthusiasts young and old. Not, like, super old, though. Don't be weird. Follow along here, and follow "THRILLIST" on Snapchat, wouldja?
Hey, are you a self-respecting person? Do you have a Snapchat account? Cool! Here's some stuff you shouldn't do.
Snap from a loud, crowded bar/concert
I know you want everyone to see you "living your best life" at the Charli XCX show, but a) opening these snaps is like setting off an audible land mine, because HOLYHELLTHEVOLUME; and b) take that shit to Instagram, where it belongs.
Send unsolicited nudes
Just because you've got a new way of flinging flesh through cyberspace doesn't mean the rules have changed. It's a particularly novel and juvenile form of harassment to bombard your Snapchat followers with unwanted dick pics, but it's still harassment.
Solicit unoffered nudes
Same deal. Would you pester someone for sexy photos via text message, Gchat, or in person if they hadn't already enthusiastically consented to provide them? Well then y-- wait, what? You would? What's wrong with you?
Screenshot authorized nudes
If some benevolent soul chooses to send you a snap of their lap hog or ham wallet, congratulations! Enjoy the full, fleeting pleasure of ephemeral sexting. But remember: the sender intended for it to be a temporary experience. Don't violate his/her trust by making it a permanent part of your digital spank bank. (Also, don't ever say "digital spank bank." I regret even typing it.)
Leave your timer at 10 seconds for photos
Just change it. JUST CHANGE IT.
Make long, repetitive, boring stories
The secret of Snapchat -- of all social media, really -- is that your life is not as interesting as you think it is. It's probably pretty boring, actually. That's a big part of being a self-respecting person: instead of spending your entire paycheck on vodka and skydiving, you buy sensible stuff, like really cute salad bowls from Etsy, or a shower curtain.
If you're a young person full of light and hope, you're probably all like, "nah." Deny it if you must, but eventually the banality of existence will swallow you whole. When it does, hopefully you'll have the good sense to keep it off Snapchat. No one wants spend 200 seconds living your boring-ass life with you.
Snap blurry pictures of your food
Three syllables, one word: IN-STA-GRAM. You can put all your terrible food porn there, if you must.
Send direct snaps and upload them to your story...
There's absolutely no point in doing this. Unless you count clogging my feed with redundant "stories" that I've already seen because I had to watch all the direct snaps you just sent me as a point, in which case... whatever, just don't do this.
... or spam all your friends with direct snaps
When choosing to whom you'll send your snap, pick people that a) you know; b) will at least vaguely understand the context of whatever you're sending. Don't just scroll willy-nilly through your feed and blast out a photo of you and your BFF having TASTY MARGSSSSS <3 to everyone you possibly can. I don't know either of you, and I hate margs.
Upload snaps of yourself peeing/pooping
Look, I get it. A lot of your free time is spent on the toilet, and a lot of your free time is spent on your phone. It's only natural to want to combine the two. But you shouldn't, because it's weird, OK?
Insist that everyone around you co-stars in your story
Some people are comfortable on camera. Most people aren't. Before you start putting friends and random strangers in your snap stories, ask them. If they decline, don't throw a fit.
Interrupt conversations every five minutes to snap
"Oh my God, I have to snap this," you cry aloud, throwing a wrench in our otherwise perfectly pleasant time together. Fine. Do it, or don't. But for the love of all things holy, please desist with the irritating habit of trying to corral the discussion so that it flows in a more snappable format. Your friends will hate you, even if you don't have the good sense to hate yourself.
Overuse the Lenses
Recently, Snapchat introduced something called "Lenses." They make your face look funny! Like a cat, or an alien! Wow! Go ahead and have some fun fiddling around with them. Snap them to your friends! Cool! Alright, that's enough of that. Everyone has them. Relax.
Spam people to get more Trophies
Brag about your Trophies
Snapchat Trophies are like Foursquare mayorships, which themselves were just another version of the time-honored digital tradition of tricking people into feeling a sense of accomplishment for spending more time on their phones. None of this is real, you guys. It's all a mirage.
Complain when your friends don't open your snaps
There isn't enough time in the day for everyone to feel validated on social media. Sometimes you're going to slip through the cracks -- c'est la vie. But especially if you do any of the above-mentioned things, you and/or your snaps probably blow. Maybe, like, get better at this, then we'll talk. Either way, don't be such a baby about it.
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