Thanks to Facebook, watching your friend begin a romantic relationship is akin to watching an episode of The Walking Dead, where they slowly transform into a cutesy, couple-y, nausea-inducing zombie version of themselves that aggressively engulfs your Newsfeed like kudzu. If you happen to be said friend in said relationship, we get it -- you're very happy, a thing you feel like sharing with us. It's great to be in a relationship, and falling in love is amazing and worth celebrating. To a point.
There are certain things no self-respecting adult should be doing on Facebook, and for couples, the stakes are even higher -- lest you teeter dangerously close into "unfollow" territory. If your cloudy lovesick euphoria has impaired your judgment on what is and is not tolerable social media behavior, listen up.
Posting pictures of you jumping all over the damn place
It's great that you and your significant other are so carefree and silly-AF together. I mean, why be in a relationship if it isn’t fun, right? But as much as we appreciate the attempt to keep your couple shots visually interesting, this whole cutesy jumping thing has got to go. A lot of couples adopt this as their own unique social media gimmick -- i.e., that adorable thing you always post when you take a trip together. You're spending a lot of time and energy making sure we know how much fun you're having. Which, frankly, doesn't look fun at all.
Posting very long "happy birthday" messages, complete with photo and quote
Birthday cards? They’re still effective. Phone calls are also still in vogue. In case you think we forgot that it's your significant other's birthday, we are probably also friends with him/her and are aware. We assume you are celebrating the occasion, you know, IRL.
Tagging each other ad nauseam
If you want your significant other to see something cool on Facebook... just turn sideways and show them, dude. They're probably sitting right next to you.
Posting a picture of your significant other in any state of undress and/or calling them "sexy"
Are you really advertising how hot your partner is to the world right now? This is like the social media equivalent of peeing in a circle around them to mark your territory. That is to say, it's unnecessary (aaaaand kinda weird).
Counting down the days/months until your wedding
It starts with "So-and-So Got Engaged to So-and-So." Cue the deluge of Likes. Then comes the photo of The Ring, and another entirely appropriate procession of comments and congratulations. Congratulations that YOU got engaged. No, seriously! That is a huge fucking deal and you should be excited. But the rest of us did not get engaged WITH you.
After all those Likes, Loves, ooohs and aaahs, maybe you thought we'd enjoy receiving updates over the next 1.5 years until you actually do the damn thing. This is misguided. Please stop posting pictures of your fiancé with a status about how excited you are to marry your best friend in 172 days to remind us that you are, in fact, still getting married in 172 days. Just in case we forgot. Which, FYI, we didn't.
Reminding us that you're happy in a long, overly sincere status
The person you're dating/married to is the most kind, beautiful person in the world. You were a broken shell of a human before this person did you the massive honor of committing to you. You wake up every morning so #grateful for this person -- not only that, you're so grateful to your buddy for introducing you three years ago, and #lucky that he owed you 50 bucks and you really wanted dim sum for lunch that day, otherwise you never would've met this person. You feel so complete, and not insecure in the slightest, and this is definitely not a desperate attempt to get laid.
Perpetually rotating your profile pic with couple selfies
Nothing annoying about putting up a profile pic that displays both you and your partner. In fact, for the rest of us single people who are creeping on you because we don't know if you're single or not, we really, really appreciate the heads-up. But a line must be drawn somewhere, and this endless onslaught of weekly profile pic change-ups all look the exact freaking same.
Observing multiple anniversaries
You get ONE day. The day you wed. If you are not wed, you do not get a day. Or at least, you don't get a public day. Feel free to celebrate the first time you met at Starbucks, or both spontaneously wore green at the same time, for as many years as you wish... in private.
Posting pictures of gifts they give you
We kind of assumed your partner was a nice, thoughtful person, otherwise you wouldn't be so obnoxiously verbose about how great it is to be with them. On the other hand, consistently advertising all the gifts you're receiving makes us wonder what they did to fuck up. Like, are these I'm Sorry flowers, or Please Tell Your Friends I'm Amazing flowers?
Talking about your hypothetical babies...
First of all, calm the fuck down. Honestly the only thing more annoying than couples on Facebook are brand-new parents on Facebook. You'll have your chance to be that annoying person eventually, but in the meantime, the only person who wants to hear about your hypothetical spawn is your mother.
... or posting baby pictures of one another
If looking at baby pictures of your significant other fills you with a strong maternal/paternal feeling, see Freud. And if you’re posting this subconsciously envisioning that that is what your hypothetical baby will look like, see above.
Over-posting about your dog like it's your surrogate child
Moving in together and getting your first pet as a couple is an amazing milestone, and by all means, please post pictures of your dog -- especially if that dog is of the super-cute puppy variety. But to be clear, this isn't a free pass to overshare about the minute details of your home life, regularly refer to your significant other as "mom" or "dad," or give us status updates about how your dog performed at obedience training that day.
Making a joint Facebook account
Becoming a "we" is bad enough. "We can’t make it." "We don't like that restaurant." This is just a step too far. Please try to retain some semblance of your individual identities.
Posting date night pics, but the date looks pretty basic
Even after 20 years of marriage, date nights should not be so rare and remarkable that you feel the need to post about them on Facebook. Plus, grabbing an underwhelming slice around the corner does not a #datenight make. Unless you're being picked up in a freaking chopper to have dinner on top of the Swiss Alps, nobody cares.
Calling each other "bae"
And not ironically. Also the ones who use it ironically.
Any use of the word "hubby"
Stop this. Forever.
Having any type of passive-aggressive Facebook fight
Airing your dirty laundry in public is a faux pas in general. To do so over a venue accessible to hundreds of other people -- or maybe thousands, if you're really that popular -- makes you look mentally insane. Leaving passive-aggressive comments on each other's photos, or calling the other out for bad behavior in a Facebook post with or without a "haha" at the end, is suuuuuuper awkward for your mutual friends. Spare us and take it to Messenger.
Holding on to your wedding profile pic for far too long
Just like that piece of wedding cake that is sitting in your freezer, your wedding profile photo expires one year after your wedding. At least make it look like you've done something worthwhile together since then.
Ditto with your wedding hashtag
It was legitimately cute for a solid eight hours. We've moved on now.
Writing open letters to "everyone who thought you wouldn't make it"
Shame on us for doubting you. You have -- very publicly -- taken us on the long tumultuous journey of your relationship since its inception, but apparently we really didn't know the "real" him/her. We will eat our words, believe me. You don’t need to feed them to us. Your lifelong, lasting relationship should and will speak for itself.
Posting ANYTHING relating to your breakup
Major takeaway here: Relationships should be private, and that definitely, definitely includes your breakup. This is a painful situation for all parties involved (ahem, pretty much just you and your significant other). Your cryptic posts about finally being free from something "majorly toxic" are just plain awkward. You have a close circle of friends for a reason. Use it.
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