At some point or another, we’ve all experienced murderous rage when some asshole screams into his phone while your flight taxis to the gate, or texts during an entire movie in the row ahead of you. Who knows, you might even be that asshole. There are some cellphone faux pas that are just too outrageous to tolerate, so to help keep the peace, here are the ones we should all agree to never do again.
Swiping through more photos than you should
When someone hands over their phone so you can see pictures of their new dog, or their trip to Delaware, or whatever Gremlin-like creature they spotted on the subway that morning, there is a certain code of conduct that should be observed. And it is this: STOP SCROLLING WHEN THE CONTENT CLEARLY CHANGES.
Look. We're friends, but that does not give you license to swipe through my entire photo album. What I choose to privately share with my, uhhh, dermatologist is my business, thank you very much.
Leaving your keyboard clicks turned on
For the love of God, turn off that abominable clicking sound. Do you really need the aural satisfaction of hearing yourself text "haha nice"? If you’re trying to channel a simpler time when everyone used the typewriter, please just leave us out of it and call Tom Hanks.
Keeping your screen at maximum brightness in dark places
Nothing kills the mood in a low-lit bar or movie theater faster than someone's ugly mug lit up like the moon. No one looks good bathed in sickly fluorescent light -- no one! Do yourself a favor and adjust your screen’s brightness so we aren't drawn to your double chin like moths to a flame. You should also enable auto-brightness in your Display settings.
Not taking a call, even though you've been furiously texting
Texting is how basic plans get made these days. However, if my fingers get tired because of all the back and forth and I decide to *GASP* call you to figure things out, for God’s sake answer the phone. I know you’re there, we’ve literally been texting for 20 minutes about where you want to eat and whether you'll be out of work on time and OH MY GOD JUST PICK UP YOUR PHONE.
Taking forever to post photos to social media on the spot
Because Instagram likes are tantamount to a mother’s love at this point, everyone is constantly looking for an excuse to post photos of themselves living their best life. But it’s tacky to take time away from a special moment to rework your caption a dozen times and test out every. single. filter. Your best friends’ wedding vows are literally still underway. It can wait.
Using novelty ringtones
How are people still actually doing this? Are you an angsty teenage girl? Do you have trouble distinguishing a standard telephone bell ring from white noise? Then that Taylor Swift ringtone is absolutely unnecessary. And embarrassing. And needs to go.
Burying your head in your phone as you walk
I think we can all agree that being stuck behind a gaggle of slow walkers is the worst. Only it’s not. The worst is facing off against absent-minded screen fiends who can’t bring themselves to pull their heads up off their phones to avoid slamming square into you. Don’t test me and my cup of coffee, I may go full kamikaze just to prove a point.
Holding a conversation while you're in line ordering
Just because your mom called you while you were in line waiting for your morning latte does not give you the right to bark your order to the barista with your phone up to your ear as if they’re an unfeeling robot. Don’t be a dickbag and have some respect -- either call back, put the phone down, or get out of line. Seriously, we all hate you.
Talking loudly in small spaces
Listen, we can all respect the fact that you absolutely need to use the phone on this bus/train/airplane/rickshaw right now. But could you try to conduct yourself as though you weren’t talking over a jackhammer? We don’t need to hear you scream-splain that Uncle Mort is in the hospital or that your marriage is crumbling. Indoor voices, please.
And making us listen to your music
You forgot your headphones at home. That sucks, dude. But you can't subject me -- or more specifically, this entire subway car -- to your shitty Spotify playlist. Unless you're queueing up the new Carly Rae Jepsen song, in which case, carry on.
Talking on the toilet
Perhaps you think that, because I can't see or know what you're doing, it must be okay. But it is not okay. You want to catch up on the news or do a little Candy Crush? By all means, go for it. But please refrain from continuing our conversation while you’re evacuating waste from your body.
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