Tech

The Funniest Conversations Overheard in My UberPOOLs

Published On 06/07/2016 Published On 06/07/2016

I am very famous and important, which means taking the subway is a burden. I get tired easily and do not like it when stairs go up. So, I prefer to be picked up and shuttled around the City That Never Sleepsβ„’ in an air-conditioned car. And because I'm so fun to be around, I always want to share the ride. That is why I always take an uberPOOL.

UberPOOL pairs you with other riders heading in the same direction as you. In addition to helping you save money, it provides endless entertainment as you're granted the opportunity to share the backseat of a car with strangers from every walk of life. The Uber gods have blessed me with a plethora of amusing POOLers and I have overheard a great many things during my rides. Here is a sampling:


Girl holding Solo cup of red wine: I hate that bar. It looks like a hotel.
Girl putting on liquid eyeliner: People come from Jersey to go there.
Girl holding Solo cup of red wine: Gross.

***

Guy with cool hat: Henry has some low-key misogyny issues he has to deal with.
Girl with brown hair: Is he, like, aware of it?
Guy with cool hat: Yeah, but like, he was defensive of Cosby.

***

Girl wearing Lululemons: Everyone in Michigan is like from Michigan.
Guy who looked like he just got punched in the face (in a hot way): Yeah.
Girl wearing Lululemons: I'm cold.

***

Man in bold outfit: I've had it with my florist.
Girl with little rat-dog in purse: You've been through so much.
Man in bold outfit: Enough is enough.

***

Woman crying on the phone: That is NOT how you write an "R" in cursive.

​​​​​​​***

Girl popping her gum for entire ride: That's what she and Sarah have in common -- they both like to do things.
Friend of girl popping her gum for entire ride: I love it.

​​​​​​​***

Dude A: Dude, check it. My mom is in my phone as "Drake."
Dude B: Dude… how do you do that?

​​​​​​​***

Hipster chick with gray hair or actual old woman (unclear): That's the thing about art, it's just like… there.

​​​​​​​***

Hot, vacant man: Do you party?
Hot, vacant woman: You're so funny.
Hot, vacant man: *Small dick gets hard*
Hot, vacant woman: *Falls in everlasting love*

​​​​​​​***​​​​​​​

Handsome man: What do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a comedian.
Handsome man: Like Amy Schumer?
Me: *Puts headphones in*

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Catherine Cohen is a writer/actor/voice-over artist living in Brooklyn. She performs on a house sketch team at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and hosts the monthly variety show "It's a Guy Thing" in Williamsburg. She is part of the New American Comedy collective and performs stand-up all around NYC. She graduated from Princeton University with a degree in English and theater. Follow her for Instagram poetry and tweets: @catccohen.

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