"There's an app for that" is no longer just a cheeky turn of phrase. We've reached the point where there's quite literally an app for just about everything you can imagine. Plenty are unexpectedly useful, some can save you big money, and others are perfectly suited for passing time while you poop. But considering how easy it is for any old schmo to turn their brilliant app idea into a reality, it shouldn't come as a shock that some of the Google Play and and App Store offerings are, uh, less than spectacular. To wit, here are some of the more absurd apps in existence that absolutely no one is asking for.
Send Me To Heaven (S.M.T.H.)
What it does: Challenges you to toss your phone in the air as high as possible
This app -- which essentially dares its users not to smash their phones to smithereens -- uses the device's accelerometer to measure how high you can throw it up in the air, then plots your progress on an app-wide leaderboard. iPhone users are out of luck, though, as Apple refused to let it into the App s
Store on account of it "encouraging behavior that could result in damage to the user's device." You don't say!
Fix a Fight
What it does: Mediates arguments and "repairs wounds" between you and your partner
What better way to mend a fight than with an app that prompts you to pass your phone back and forth with your partner as you rate the intensity of your various feelings and grievances. Although, to be fair, if you're both too cheap to pay for actual couples counseling -- the kind that isn't conducted by a literal cartoon -- then you ultimately deserve each other!
What it does: Interprets your baby's cries
Remember the dog in Up with the collar that translated what he was thinking? This is sort of like that, only it "translates" the cries of babies to let you know what they need, and is 100% not a joke. Only one problem: it's ludicrous. You might as well toss out your $5 with your baby's next dirty diaper.
Virtual cigarette smoking
What it does: Lets you virtually smoke cigarettes
Listen, I'm all for doing what you need to do to quit a nasty habit, but there's got to be a better way to kick cancer-sticks than with an app that allows you to "smoke" them by puffing on your phone's microphone. Also, please keep your lips off your phone -- it's fucking filthy!
What it does: Flashes the word "TAXI" on your screen to get cab drivers' attention
In my personal experience, hailing a cab is pretty simple. You throw up your arm as a taxi approaches, and if they're on duty, they slow down and pick you up. Flashing the word "TAXI" in 72-point font on your phone likely isn't going to improve your chances of hitching a ride. If anything, drivers will probably avoid you and your flailing "TAXI" beacon because of how obnoxious it is.
What it does: Tracks how many glasses of water you've downed during the day
It's true, I don't know you, but I'm willing to bet you don't need an app to know whether or not you're feeling thirsty. Hell, I even have faith that you can keep track of roughly how much water you've had to drink today. You rockstar, you!
What it does: Provides a "private" messaging platform for you and your partner to chat and stuff
Are you in an incredibly unhealthy co-dependent relationship? Do you yearn for a place to communicate with your significant other that's like text messaging, but vaguely different and more complicated? Oh boy, have we got an app for you. Couple is essentially just a run-of-the-mill messaging app that lets you "privately" exchange texts, photos, to-do lists, "stickers," and even share your location with one another. You guys, I think they're on to something…
What it does: Lets you send people a text message that just says "Yo"
Yo was widely mocked from the moment it launched a couple years ago for being the world's dumbest app -- since its sole purpose is to send people a text message that says "Yo" -- yet it somehow managed to earn a valuation of $10 million. Surely, investors and insiders who were proclaiming it the next Twitter saw something we didn't, right? Well, two years and various updates later, Yo is still as stupid and useless as ever.
What it does: Lets you virtually "drink" a beer out of your phone
It's tough to imagine any scenario in which the right thing to do is whip out your phone and pretend to knock back an animated glass of beer. If you're not going to drink, why bother even pretending? Mimes? Is this your doing?
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.