"There's an app for that" is no longer just a cheeky turn of phrase. We've reached the point where there's quite literally an app for just about everything you can imagine. Plenty are unexpectedly useful, some can save you big money, and others are perfectly suited for passing time while you poop. But considering how easy it is for any old schmo to turn their brilliant app idea into a reality, it shouldn't come as a shock that some of the Google Play and and App Store offerings are, uh, less than spectacular. To wit, here are some of the more absurd apps in existence that absolutely no one is asking for.

Screenshot via SMTH/Oren Aks

Send Me To Heaven (S.M.T.H.)

What it does: Challenges you to toss your phone in the air as high as possible
Android: Free
This app -- which essentially dares its users not to smash their phones to smithereens -- uses the device's accelerometer to measure how high you can throw it up in the air, then plots your progress on an app-wide leaderboard. iPhone users are out of luck, though, as Apple refused to let it into the App s
Store
on account of it "encouraging behavior that could result in damage to the user's device." You don't say!

Screenshot via Is It Dark Outside?/Oren Aks

Is it dark outside?

What it does: Informs you whether or not it's dark outside in your current location
iOS: Free
Android: Free
Finally, an app that caters to the needs of one of the world's most mercilessly maligned groups: vampires! 

Screenshot via FixAFight/Oren Aks

Fix a Fight

What it does: Mediates arguments and "repairs wounds" between you and your partner
iOS: $4.99
What better way to mend a fight than with an app that prompts you to pass your phone back and forth with your partner as you rate the intensity of your various feelings and grievances. Although, to be fair, if you're both too cheap to pay for actual couples counseling -- the kind that isn't conducted by a literal cartoon -- then you ultimately deserve each other!

Screenshot via Cry Translator/Oren Aks

Cry Translator

What it does: Interprets your baby's cries 
iOS: $4.99
Remember the dog in Up with the collar that translated what he was thinking? This is sort of like that, only it "translates" the cries of babies to let you know what they need, and is 100% not a joke. Only one problem: it's ludicrous. You might as well toss out your $5 with your baby's next dirty diaper. 

Screenshot via Virtual Cigarette Smoking/Oren Aks

Virtual cigarette smoking

What it does: Lets you virtually smoke cigarettes
Android: Free
Listen, I'm all for doing what you need to do to quit a nasty habit, but there's got to be a better way to kick cancer-sticks than with an app that allows you to "smoke" them by puffing on your phone's microphone. Also, please keep your lips off your phone -- it's fucking filthy!

Screenshot via Taxi Hold'em/Oren Aks

Taxi Hold'em

What it does: Flashes the word "TAXI" on your screen to get cab drivers' attention
iOS: Free
In my personal experience, hailing a cab is pretty simple. You throw up your arm as a taxi approaches, and if they're on duty, they slow down and pick you up. Flashing the word "TAXI" in 72-point font on your phone likely isn't going to improve your chances of hitching a ride. If anything, drivers will probably avoid you and your flailing "TAXI" beacon because of how obnoxious it is.

Screenshot via Daily Water/Oren Aks

Daily Water

What it does: Tracks how many glasses of water you've downed during the day
iOS: Free
It's true, I don't know you, but I'm willing to bet you don't need an app to know whether or not you're feeling thirsty. Hell, I even have faith that you can keep track of roughly how much water you've had to drink today. You rockstar, you! 

Screenshot via Couple App/Oren Aks

Couple

What it does: Provides a "private" messaging platform for you and your partner to chat and stuff
iOS: Free
Android: Free
Are you in an incredibly unhealthy co-dependent relationship? Do you yearn for a place to communicate with your significant other that's like text messaging, but vaguely different and more complicated? Oh boy, have we got an app for you. Couple is essentially just a run-of-the-mill messaging app that lets you "privately" exchange texts, photos, to-do lists, "stickers," and even share your location with one another. You guys, I think they're on to something‚Ķ

Screenshot via Yo/Oren Aks

Yo

What it does: Lets you send people a text message that just says "Yo"
iOS: Free
Android: Free
Yo was widely mocked from the moment it launched a couple years ago for being the world's dumbest app -- since its sole purpose is to send people a text message that says "Yo" -- yet it somehow managed to earn a valuation of $10 million. Surely, investors and insiders who were proclaiming it the next Twitter saw something we didn't, right? Well, two years and various updates later, Yo is still as stupid and useless as ever.

Screenshot via iBeer/Oren Aks

iBeer

What it does: Lets you virtually "drink" a beer out of your phone
iOS: Free
Android: Free
It's tough to imagine any scenario in which the right thing to do is whip out your phone and pretend to knock back an animated glass of beer. If you're not going to drink, why bother even pretending? Mimes? Is this your doing?

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Joe McGauley is a senior writer for Thrillist who's had three glasses of water already today. Or was it four?!? OMG I CAN'T REMEMBER SOMEBODY HELP ME.

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