1. We have never met in person and you just messaged me saying "U up?"
2. You wrote a long paragraph defending Donald Trump by claiming he was "well liked by his college roommate."
3. You keep inviting me to improv shows for your new indie comedy team "Fart Carpet."
4. Your name is literally Jarl.
5. You commented "You have a mustache" when I posted my selfie. (I do have a faint mustache. It is natural and relatable and fine.)
6. Your engagement photos featured you and your fiancé in head-to-toe camouflage hunting gear, clutching each other and staring dead-eyed into the abyss.
7. You posted engagement photos.
8. You posted a GPS map of your running route while I was putting butter on a donut at a coffee shop.
9. You posted "before and after" fitness photos like a true monster.
10. You commented cryptic, poetic phrases like "almost" and "what if" on photos of us from 2008.
11. You captioned anything with the "____+ vibes" formula, i.e., "Monday vibes" or "bathroom vibes."
12. You posted nude photos with lil' cartoon cheeseburgers over your nips which is LOL but also we get it, you're hot.
13. You posted a photo of you in glasses with the caption "nerd life!!!"
14. You posted in earnest about 4/20.
15. You posted about sports.
16. We have not spoken since we met at a nightclub in Barcelona and you told me my English was really good and I was like... it's the only language I speak?
17. You "liked" my post before you texted me back.
18. You posted a bland, impersonal, and, quite frankly, offensive "happy birthday" on my wall in lieu of a cute/funny/ironic photo and/or YouTube link.
19. You told me in person that you liked my video, but you didn't "like" it like it.
20. You are my actual grandma and you just messaged me saying my posts should be cleaner and more appropriate and to watch my language.
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Catherine Cohen is a writer/actor/voice-over artist living in Brooklyn. She performs on a house sketch team at The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and hosts the monthly variety show "It's a Guy Thing" in Williamsburg. She is part of the New American Comedy collective and performs stand-up all around NYC. She graduated from Princeton University with a degree in English and theater. Follow her for Instagram poetry and tweets: @catccohen.