Imagine the Internet without Amazon. It would be a Mad Max-style wasteland -- and not the new one either, the old one with Mel Gibson. Amazon provides us with the true essentials: cheap books, inflatable sex sheep, shady South Asian opiates, Nazi paraphernalia, and egregiously large drums of lube. It's a place where a fun-loving young sprout can order a crossbow and get it the very next day with the click of a button. It's a place where you can really get the bang for your buck.
So, let's celebrate the unfiltered freedom of this cherished e-commerce site: here are the worst things you can buy on Amazon. (Someone should really buy that drum of lube, by the way.)
15. Custom Nicolas Cage pillowcase
To begin, here's a pillowcase with a shirtless Nicolas Cage on it. The description reads: "The pillowcase can make you have comfortable feelings," leading us to believe it was written by Nicolas Cage himself. Each one is just over 2ft long... which seems a little big for a Nic Cage pillowcase, right? Either way, we hope you yearn over this thing just as hard as Mr. Cage yearned over the Declaration of Independence in that movie he was in -- which one was it? Ah yes, Face/Off.
14. Dank Memes
I'll admit it; I passed by this item without giving it a second look. Then, after minutes of contemplating, I came back. No matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to get the phrase "Dank Memes" out my head. There's just something so perverse and angering about a shirt that has "Dank Memes" printed on it. AND IT COMES IN SO MANY COLORS.
13. VAPRWEAR hoodie
That’s right, a cool $100 for a hoodie with a built-in vaping system. A vaping system! This goes far beyond "we get it, you vape" and straddles the line between "holy shit, you really like vaping" and "I think your vaping issues are driving this family apart." Take note that this only comes in two size options: large and XXL. Don’t read into that too much -- but, at the same time, take note.
12. Black mini clip MP3 player
Apple can be a little insufferable sometimes -- I mean, these are the guys who can release a slightly smaller version of an old phone and call it "blow-away." Still, why would anyone in their right mind trust a non-Apple MP3 player? Especially an MP3 player that’s under $5 and looks like it was assembled by kindergarteners? You'd better pick out your favorite song and make sure it’s short, because this thing is going to last exactly one minute before it bursts into flames.
10. Guy Fieri coffee
Speaking of the greased-up, bleach-blonde Sultan of Sauce, did you know that Guy Fieri has his own brand of Keurig coffee? With flavors like cinnamon roll, hot fudge brownie, and chocolate mint, you can finally check coffee off the list of "Things Guy Fieri Has Ruined for Everyone." Also on that list: sunglasses, Tommy Bahama shirts, bleach, and the word "money."
9. JNCO jeans
Oh my crap, there are so many different varieties and colors! If you put your ear up to your computer and listen closely, you can actually hear a million Juggalos going "whoop whoop!" at the same time.
8. Max Ejact
What’s the biggest nut you've ever busted, bro!? Have you ever shot a nut so large, so thick, and so voluminous, that anyone caught in the crossfire drowned in the effervescent, sludgy pool of people potion? No? Well, boy do we have a product for you! Max Ejact semen volumizer -- for those men out there who want to coat their bedrooms in baby batter, this stuff apparently increases your semen volume by a whopping 500%. Be warned, though: the reviews say there are only half as many pills in the bottle as advertised. That doesn't really bode well...
7. Steampunk top hat
Move over Donald Trump hat, there a new hat in town and he's ready to rock and roll with a capital "O" as in "holy fucking shit, I can't believe people have bought this before." Not to blindly judge people or dole out harsh blanket statements, but the whole steampunk scene is filled with weird nerds. The top hat went out of style 100 years ago and "chains and buckles" shouldn't be worn anywhere above the neck. So, ask yourself: do three wrongs make a right?
6. Cell phone shoulder holster
Just a quick heads-up, buying this thing and wearing it will make you the uncoolest person in -- not only the world -- but in the history of the world since civilization was formed.
Oh man, this is bleak. Masturbatory tissues with *sigh* pictures of women's faces printed on them. This is... yeah, this is bleak.
4. The personal fondue mug
Don't think, for a second, that we hate fondue. Gooey, melty cheese is delicious. Fondu can be a delightful party snack for a group of your closest friends -- the keyword here, though, is "group." Fondue for one is incredibly unsettling -- like flying a kite at night or using a fork to eat sushi. There are just some things out there not made for personal use and fondue is one of them.
3. Electronic organizer PDA with 3MB memory
Yep, that's right! Three megabytes! You know how many songs are bigger than three megabytes? ALL OF THEM. Since the PDA is a precursor to the precursor to the iPhone's precursor, we don't know why this thing is going for the totally reasonable price of $20.21. Such a reasonable price!
2. Bill Cosby shirt
We’re just gonna leave this... right... here. Yikes.
1. Radio sunglasses
What in the absolute depths of hell are we looking at here? Battery-powered, Bluetooth sunglasses that play MP3s and FM radio. OK, maybe there’s a reason that someone would need a pair of these. Like... you were born without finger tips and find it incredibly hard to use touchscreen devices. And maybe you have a vitamin D deficiency and sensitive eyes and can only listen to music outside under the sun if you’re wearing eye protection? This is dark.
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Jeremy Glass is a writer for Thrillist and can't wait to see how the Max Ejact works.