Your dog is dead. (Hit by a car.) Your daughter is upset. Your wife won't take any calls. Your other dog won't leave the porch, keeping his paw on his old friend's chew toy. The situation is dire. You need to remedy this situation. How? How can you keep your family together and not hate-watch Old Yeller together and all swallow cyanide pills?
YOU SHOOT YOUR DEAD DOG INTO SPACE. Obviously.
Celestis Pets in Houston, Texas, will shoot one gram of your dead pet's ashes into space as a way of memorializing your beloved pet, because apparently spending nearly $13,000 to shoot one gram of your dead pet's ashes into space is the right way to memorialize your beloved pet.
Celestis has been sending human remains into space since 1997, so naturally the next step was to catapult pets out there. According to its website, "your pet will travel to deep space aboard a revolutionary spacecraft, forever contributing to science and exploration."
That seems a bit of a stretch, but they do in fact get your pet to space via commercialized and scientific satellites. (Glad they're scientific.) You have four options for your doggy's ashes:
You'll definitely want to spring for Luna or Voyager, the latter of which "launches your pet on a voyage through deepest space, leaving the Earth-Moon system on a permanent celestial journey."
1-866-7-ROCKET is the number to call.
Ryan Hatch is the deputy editor at Supercompressor. What a racket this is.