20 Future Apple Products That’ll Have Steve Jobs Rolling In His Grave
In the mid-eighties, Apple released one of the most notable commercials of all-time: their controversial, Orwellian "1984" ad that depicted Macintosh as a liberating rebel, standing up to the face of PC's monochrome monarchy, daring consumers to venture out from Big Brother's umbrella.
How times have changed. Now, Apple is the one holding a dominating stranglehold on the market, lining itself up to take over our lives, one extremely well-designed and intuitive product at a time. With watches and maybe even a car (!) in the works as we speak, Apple will almost certainly continue testing new ventures and designing new products—for better or worse. Here are 20 future designs that definitely wouldn't fall in line with Steve Jobs' original plan.
This Siri-enabled smart fridge will be more like a health coach and personal chef, tracking our diet, tastes, and temperature preferences. By this time, Siri will have mastered the art of passive aggression, and her monotoned judgement will make you think twice when you come back for another ice cream sandwich. "Haven't you had e-nough, al-ready? It's al-most bath-ing suit seas-on, you know."
Vaporizors: the only time space-age tech and stoners merge (outside of Battlestar Galactica reruns). Though Pax, a Supercompressor favorite, has often been described as the "Apple of Vapes," we'd love to actually see Apple take on #VapeLife. The Vape Pod will sync to your iTunes, automatically playing a heady Radiohead mix as soon as it touches your lips, while simultaneously ordering Dominos.
The Apple/Foreman Grill
Apple will announce their biggest celebrity endorsement since U2 stormed our iTunes, teaming up with ex-boxer and master of lean meat, George Foreman. The smart grill will be well received, till Apple and Foreman start automatically placing a free rack-of-lamb inside every model, without anyone's permission. Didn't they learn anything from Bono's mistakes?
Retina Big Screen Television
How has this not happened yet? Available in truly gratuitous sizes, the Apple Retina TV will be fully connected to iTunes, will sync with your phone to provide full-scale FaceTime, and will feature picture quality so sharp, you'll be able to literally see the air coming out of Tom Brady's balls.
iSpin Bluetooth Record Player
Time is a flat circle, as you probably know, and Apple will venture back into the world of old-school vinyl in order to cash in on some of that sweet, sweet hipster dough. If vinyl really wants to make a comeback, it needs to go through Cupertino first. And with this Bluetooth, iTunes-enabled vinyl player, you can still look like a hip guy, without actually needing to have any taste or knowledge. It's called the "James Franco Model."
The perfect product to stock your iPhridge, the Apple IPA adjusts hop-level based on your taste buds' reaction, and automatically eliminates all alcohol content once it's deemed you've had too much.
For those who love the thrill of wearing helmets, but hate all that tedious peddling, the Apple E-Bike will bring the easiest, most intuitive biking experience ever. The E-Bike will scan your phone's frequently visited locations and contacts, and determine where exactly you want to go ahead of time. No peddling, steering, or thinking required. Just kick back and play with your iPhone.
The Apple iFlush
Since everyone already takes their Apple products into the bathroom, it's only natural that the House That Steve Built should start to take over the porcelain throne. This will be the most advanced toilet ever, with full Bluetooth capability, speakerphone, heated seats, and all the other hindquarter sanitation advancements that have made Japan what it is today.
Apple researchers eventually conclude that humans spend at least one-third of their lives sleeping—not using their iPhones—so they plan on cashing in on this highly lucrative, otherwise untapped market. Fully automated, the Mattress Pro has vibration settings for "Wake Up," "Alerts," and "Heightened Sexytime." In the future, Apple has no boundaries (See: Apple Toilet).
After phones balloon to the size of televisions several generations from now, the backlash sets in hard. Finally, after years of expanding pockets and early onset carpal-tunnel syndrome, we once again get a phone that can easily fit in the palm of our hands.
A printer that actually f*cking works
If anyone can create frustration-free printer, it's the boys and girls at Apple. The legendary product design team in Cupertino deduce that voice-activation is the way to go here. Just highlight what you need to print, and scream “YOU PRINT NOW!” three times. Voila: a fresh sheet pops out in under a second. So convenient. So seamless. Thank you Siri.
In a move so obvious it shocks no one, Apple takes the reigns of the global fruit market, putting their stamp on every actual Apple coming out of orchards around the world. Consumers will agree the Apple Apples™ look great, but taste slightly metallic. You can also break your teeth on one of several embedded microchips, so eat carefully.
LED Apple Bulbs
These LED bulbs have an AI so advanced, they can track and adjust the mood of every setting. If you are hard at work, the bulbs will glow a fluorescent white, flooding your room with workable light. If your girlfriend comes over and things start to get hot and heavy, it will dim, select "Marvin Gaye" from your iTunes, and kindly remind you to use protection. Pairs especially well with Apple Mattress Pro.
iFly Jet Pack
Apple will finally be the company that comes through and makes fully-functional jet packs a reality. Our commutes to work will be totally revolutionized, with millions taking to the skies. The only drawback: a massive number of bird fatalities and the incomprehensible jealously you'll feel when you find out how many of your neighbors have swimming pools.
Virtual Reality Phones
First person Angry Bird? Live-action Tinder, complete with karate-shop swiping? Being able to climb into your old Facebook photos and walk around your old dorm room? All of this could be possible with a virtual reality iPhone, one of the final steps in fully separating us from tangible reality.
Making sure you are safe from noxious gasses and fire isn't Apple’s responsibility now, but the day will come when we rely on the big A to dutifully sniff our homes around the clock. Of course, they’ll log every olfactory note of record inside their database, enabling them to track every human on earth based on smell.
Making coffee is a piping hot delicious pain in the ass, so everyone will be thrilled when Apple comes along and makes it so basic, even a two-year-old can brew a boiling cup of joe. The Caffeination Pad monitors your caffeine intake, ensuring that you sleep as little as possible, so you have more hours to spend on Apple devices.
Using their automated driving technology, Apple creates a lawnmower that is fully functional on its own, allowing yard-owners to either take a seat and watch, or jump on the reigns and take control. The grass will be perfectly manicured, but there will be something unsettling about the way they all huddle around each other and talk when no one is looking.
The questionably-named iMwatching Drone follows you around to make sure you don’t lose your iPhone, tracking your every move and word via the built-in HD camera. Siri is enabled to jump in on your conversation if she feels like you need help, and will often give you direct orders in stressful situations. It's funny, you start by controlling it, but after a while it begins to control you. Weird...
Initially, they’ll be marketed as Cyborg servants/buddies/occasional pleasure-bots. But if you’ve seen any Will Smith or Tom Cruise movie in the past decade, you know that everything in the future wants to kill us—and we all know it will probably be made by Apple. Supreme Overlord Siri has collected all the drone footage, smells from your home, dream logs, and food allergies to create an unstoppable force made of our biggest fears to destroy the human race and begin a new reign of robot utopia. I think we all saw this coming.
Wil Fulton is a Staff Writer for Supercompressor. He typed this whole thing out on his MacBook Pro while sitting on an Apple Toilet prototype. He regrets nothing. Follow him to redemption @WilWithOnlyOneL