Benicio del Toro will soon have nothing on your creepy forest aptitude

Mastering the wilderness demands certain skills and a familiarity with particular tools -- seriously, that lame guy from Survivorman can totally help you. Become rugged enough to hack it without having to hear his annoying jokes/ harmonica solos, at Maine Primitive Skills School

Comfortably ensconced on 23 acres of dense Maine forest, MPSS is a full-throttle outdoor academy offering a crazy in-depth lineup of burly wilderness courses which'll develop "ancient survival skills" that've been "practiced for 2 million years", or what Tiger Mother Amy Chua calls "not enough, the cello recital is fast approaching". Nature novices can start with their signature two-day primer that covers building a debris hut, collecting/ disinfecting water, making fire with a bow drill, foraging for edible plants & berries, trapping wild rodents, and forgetting all about those edible plants & berries, as Maine voles are the succulent-est. After removing your ghillie training bra, you can then pick and choose from one-day workshops encompassing everything from using stone tools and crafting plant-fiber water containers; to bow/ arrow making, hide tanning, and tracking; to elementary weather prediction, which is basically always going to involve some waterworks, unless Mrs. Levy relents and throws on The Voyage of the Mimi

If you want to go totally native (and don't, you know, have a job), they've also got a five-day scout trip based on lost Apache survival techniques like "moving silently, camouflage and invisibility", all of which you'll need to slip away when Survivorman gets going on a boring tirade about how hard it is to set up and take down his cameras.