Everyone loves the great outdoors, but as John Candy so effectively proved, it is possible to have too much of a good thing. Getting you just the right amount of wilderness: Bike Tour Vacations.
The just-launched brainchild of a longtime Michigan bike enthusiast who grew weary of the whole "roughing it" thing, BTV's a best-of-both-worlds operation combining scenic rides with comfortable hotel stays and classy dinners, with each trip carrying a distinct theme, depressingly zero of which require you to dress like a pimp. If you...
...like wine, but hate whiny Californians: The Wine and Cheese Weekend stops off for tours & tastings at a pair of SW Michigan wineries - Fenn Valley and St. Julian - and an artisanal creamery, and also includes a dinner at Saugatuck Brewing Co., makers of Butler Street Brown, who thankfully isn't Leroy, as that would taste bad, bad.
...are like John Daly, but still have money, and can pedal a bike: The Casino Run stops at a trio of gambling destinations (Little River, Leelanau Sands, Turtle Creek), while less money-sucking aspects include rides along the Eastern shore of Lake Michigan and a visit to the Sleeping Bear Dunes, which makes sense considering the NFL is about to go into hibernation.
...are unemployed, and henceforth have the time: Get more ambitious with a week-long trek through the Upper Peninsula, taking in historic lighthouses and fisheries along Whitefish Bay and spending nights in boutique B&Bs like Curley's Motel, which is either covered in pubes or, grosser still, Jack Palance.
In case of mechanical failure, injury, or flat-out laziness, a "sag wagon" will be available to transport anyone who prefers not to ride, i.e., people who are Candy asses.