The Inarguably Perfect Sample Agenda
3-5pm: Small group gets in late afternoon (you can invite everyone for Thursday, but most people consider that a bonus day and will likely decline. If you’ve got 10 total, usually no more than four to five show for Thursday) and take care of some basic grocery necessities for the house or the bachelor suite:
- Beer (macro 30-racks for casual drinking, a few bombers of good stuff for the dudes with facial hair)
- A few bottles of booze (NOTE: don’t buy a lot of booze. The Chads will get sloppy and uncontrollable and you will lose the security deposit on the house.)
- Citrus Cooler Gatorades for the morning
- Crunch Berries cereal
- Snacks (jerky, pretzels, party mix, peanut butter Twix, etc.)
- Cream Cheese
5-7pm: You celebrate the completion of logistics with some cocktails, either from your groceries or at a bar.
8pm: Dinner at a cool place too small to hit with the whole group.
10pm-???: Hit up some good bars you also couldn’t go to with the group. The bachelor should be having fun but not getting completely sauced as to ruin the next day.
10-3pm: This is the time to do something the bachelor would enjoy, but you wouldn’t want to force the entire group to do. Golf. Shoot clay pigeons. Watch The Pelican Brief with Portuguese subtitles. Whatever it is, you should make it clear not everyone has to do it.
3-7pm: The rest of the group will arrive. You should have a central meeting point happy hour. If you have a house, that’s fine, but if you’re in a hotel, you should hit a bar nearby or the hotel pool.
8pm: Big group dinner out. Some central rules for this dinner: book a place that has a private room so you can be assholes to each other without the entire place witnessing the calamity; the menu should be decided beforehand and be family-style; you should give a quick and funny toast at some point; and you should NOT go to a steakhouse.
Steakhouses are insultingly expensive, never as good as you think they’ll be, and, worst of all, fill you up and make you feel uncomfortable the rest of the night until you’re actually forced to go through the humiliation of pooping at a strip club, which has to be a low point in any man’s life.
10:30pm: Bar or strip club
This is going to come down to a bachelor preference. Some people actually hate strip clubs (instead of merely claiming they hate strip clubs while they're in the company of women), and you should respect the bachelor’s uncomfortableness if he’s one of these people. But you should at least provide the option, now that he’s had some drinks and the in vino veritas clause is enacted.
If he wants to go to a strip club, you should have already gotten recs on the best ones and know where to go. The group will immediately get selfish once you enter, but beforehand, everyone should agree on chipping in to get dances for the bachelor, preferably in private so you don’t have to awkwardly stare at him. Ninety minutes at the club is plenty of time. Pull him out and go to a bar after 90. Please. For all of our sakes.
If he’d prefer the bar route (or you’re headed there after the club), you should already have an idea of where you’re going. This is not the time to play it cool and hipster -- you need a large bar playing loud music where girls are hanging out, not a place you have to enter through a warp level in Super Mario 3 just to get a modernized take on a Monkey Gland.
Late night: If you’re considerate and coherent enough to do it, consider getting a bunch of late-night pizzas or burgers or something to fill the stomach before everyone crashes. When people do this at weddings, they become heroes. So something to consider, especially if you’re feeling insecure.
11am: Get food. Brunch is a fool’s errand. As a smart person, you’re going to do something cool, like order a bunch of breakfast sandwiches or tacos or burritos, since you definitely forgot to do the pizza thing last night. Have them delivered to the house or bachelor’s hotel room, or, if you’re walking distance to food trucks or fast-casual counter service spots, just tell people you’re going and leave.
1pm: Your opt-in, opt-out activity for the day. As a reminder of what works versus what doesn’t, here’s a list:
Classic Bachelor Party Blunders
- Deep-sea fishing
- Lazy-river rafting
- Driving “experiences”
- That motherfucking steak dinner
- Tours of any kind
- Breweries (IT’S JUST A TOUR, DAMMIT, HIDDEN BEHIND BEER)
- Hunting (animals or humans)
Approved Bachelor Party Activities
- Hanging at a pool, beach, lake
- Bar crawls
- Inclusive drinking games
- Chartering boats (NOT deep-sea diving)
- Opt-in/opt-out golf
- Beer gardens
- Hot springs or waterfalls
- Playing dominoes with Sean Bean
7pm: Casual dinner. This could be pizzas to the house, a BBQ spot with big communal tables, burgers, anything that doesn’t require reservations and will be low impact. Friday is always the night people go too hard, so you need to recharge as much as possible if you want to have fun on Saturday night.
9pm: New bars. Or a casino. Preferably the casino in South Lake Tahoe so your friend can win $2200 playing craps and, spur of the moment, buy everyone tickets to see Sting & Peter Gabriel.
1am: Go home. By now, the bachelor has likely ruined his life in all optimal ways and will be flagging. Just call it.
Early: Get the fuck out of there. Seriously, go as early as you possibly can. You can settle up with a followup email and using those cool payment apps from before. No one ever benefits from hanging around on a Sunday. Walk away, and don’t ever look back.