Europeans just looove to sit on their high horse and judge America, smugly mocking our short vacations, our proclivity for sneakers and baseball caps, and most importantly, our junk food. From aerosol cheese to cake that can survive a nuclear war, Europeans laugh at (and remain perplexed by) some of the crap we eat on a daily basis.
Which is why we thought it'd be fun to force-feed a group of Euros (including one very reluctant Frenchie) our trashiest, most popular snacks, and see what they thought when they opened up their mouths and their minds. With two, more-American-than-apple-pie control subjects at the table to help guide them to the light, here's what they had to say (apparently, between gags).
This Boozy Hot Cocoa Is 20 Pounds
Germany: “Are Americans really too lazy to actually get out a knife and cut cheese? It’s kind of like sour cheesy toothpaste that made my teeth fuzzy.“ France: “It’s not horrible but I wouldn’t recommend it.” *Can’t even bring himself to finish the cracker and throws out the second half* UK: “These weren't as offensive as I thought they'd be. The texture was a tad oily for my liking, and the cheese stuck to the inside of my mouth, but I could get past that.” USA 1: “It’s like you took American cheese and jammed it into a can. It says that on the can, you know what to expect." *Eats two, looks around sheepishly* “They’re good, I’m sorry!” USA 2: “ I don't know why you'd bother with crackers when you can just mainline cheese grease. Pretty sure you can use this stuff on squeaky hinges in a pinch, too."
Chicken In a Biskit
Germany: “There’s definitely no chicken in this biscuit. I doubt a chicken has even flapped a wing in the direction of this biscuit. Is it a salt lick for horses?” France: “It tastes like the floor of a basement. Concrete dust. It just goes from salt to butter to stale." UK: “These were awful -- like a cracker dipped in chicken stock powder. Where I come from, you put stuff on chicken, you don't put chicken in stuff."
USA 1: “You pop it into your mouth, and it immediately coats everything with salt.” USA 2: “I think they’re stale. I’ll have another one though.”
Germany: “These come with a vicious cycle of emotion, like 'ew, gross! Hmm, actually, this is kinda good... No wait, I need to spit it out. Ok, I really need another one in my mouth stat.' And then you hate yourself. I could see these on a salad as a white trash crouton." France: “They’re very cheesy for something that’s supposed to be onion.” UK: “Mhmm I like this. But I wouldn’t go out and buy it.” USA 1: “It’s like a cheese doodle. But sans cheese. Onion. Onion doodle. I don’t even like onions.” USA 2: “Like if you took Cheetos, but replaced the orange dust with onion powder. Wonderfully trashy."
Germany: “Is that oregano I taste? Actually, that is all I can taste. It’s like oregano porridge. I’ve never tried something with so little consistency.” France: “I lucked out and only got five beans on my fork!” UK: “My mother would be horrified by this. This can't be the no. 1 chili in America. It just can't.” USA 1: *Is indisposed for comment, as he couldn’t be pried away from the bowl of chili.* USA 2: “I have been poor/pathetic enough to have bought this. I wouldn't do that again.”
Andy Capp's Hot Fries
Germany: “They taste like spicy sadness. They’re hollow and taste just as empty, like the poor souls who’d buy them.” France: “Doesn't really taste like anything at all. Once you swallow, the burn is in the mouth, not in your throat.“ UK: “Like Chipsticks, but hotter. These don't bother me, but I wouldn't pick them off the shelf.” USA 1: “The spice sneaks up on you. Flavor’s not bad, heat’s not bad, but it’s easy to underestimate and jam too many into your mouth.” USA 2: “ I just straight up like these and eat the whole bag every time. The heat is subtle, too -- more of an afterburn. I last bought these at an airport in Akron, Ohio.”
Dr. Brown's Cream Soda
Germany: “It’s like drinking cake. It tastes more artificial than Heidi Montag.” France: “It tastes like the boardwalk of Coney Island at the end of the day. When all the kids have left, and there’s melted sugar all over the place.” UK: “Candy floss shampoo. Like hair products. A Nicki Minaj perfume product!"
USA 1: “It is sweet. I don't know what it tastes like. It has a taste. It has a taste. Is it getting warmer? What’s going on?” France: “No, that’s your body losing heat.” USA 2: “Add a can to your diet every day, and you'll have Type-2 Diabetes in no time.”
Hungry Man Roasted Carved White Meat Turkey (Thanksgiving)
Germany: “Is this what they serve on planes?” France: “Really not bad at all.“ UK: “In short, no one that eats this meal has anything to be thankful for.” USA 1: “If this is your dinner on Thanksgiving, put your head in the oven instead.” USA 2: "The turkey wasn't as bad as I expected -- basically, lunch meat with gravy. Not so bad. The vegetables tasted like they had sugar added. And the dessert was vile."
Germany: “This is delicious. But I’m German, I like all sausage. Oh, I just heard that.” France: “Smells and tastes entirely fabricated. There are notes of smoked sausage, but once you're chewing on it, it dissolves and taste like greasy leather.” UK: “I'm not sure the casing on this is natural. It doesn't taste terrible for a tube of processed meat.”
USA 1: “Tastes good, but in a bad way.” USA 2: “It’s hardly food, that’s why it’s great. I'm a fan of everything except the grease all over my hands once I'm done. Macho Man Randy Savage got me into these.”
Strawberry Marshmallow Fluff
Germany: “It tastes like expired gum, and WHY IS IT MOVING!? This stuff is bubbling, I can feel it, I swear!” France:*Suspiciously eyes the congealed corn syrup at the bottom of the jar* “Smells like strawberry, tastes like caramel.” UK: “I can easily imagine stress-eating this out of the tub, or spreading this on a s'more as a marshmallow substitute. In other words: YUM.” USA 1: “NO! They took Fluff and ruined it!” USA 2: "This stuff just tastes like strawberry syrup. The only way it belongs in the food pyramid is if you used it as mortar."
Mug Root Beer
USA 2: "Mug is meh, in terms of root beer. But seriously, try explaining this flavor to someone who's never had it." Everyone else: “Mouthwash!”
Germany: “Salty? Why is it salty!?” France: “It smells like a cookie factory: Horrible.” UK: “I had high hopes for the Twinkie, but I feel let down. Where's the chocolate?" USA 1: “Delicious! I would eat all them all, but I already feel sick.” USA 2: "They're fine. But I'd never choose one over a Moon Pie or Ho Ho."