Everyone is obsessed with Florida stories
To paraphrase American Beauty, the worst thing you can possibly be is boring. And Florida? We’re definitely not boring. What the throngs who flipped out about the state ranking failed to realize was that the only reason the story even was news is because it bashed Florida. We’re the only state whose very name is clickbait. We are to news what California is to song lyrics. People see Florida in a headline and they know whatever follows is going to be weird, a little gross, definitely sexy, and probably involve a reptile.
A guy I used to tailgate with got the full brunt of the Florida headline effect. A few years ago he was arrested at the Latrobe, Pennsylvania airport for arguing with his wife, since apparently this is the sort of thing you get arrested for in Latrobe. The local paper picked it up, because couples arguing at the airport is newsworthy, in Latrobe. The headline read, “Florida couple arrested for fighting at airport.”
A friend of mine sent me the story and said, “When the headline starts with ‘Florida,’ you know you did something fucked-up.”
I’d wager if said couple had been from Dayton, their little domestic disturbance never would have made the paper. But some reporter saw they hailed from our state, and all of a sudden, it was a chance to cash in on the Florida click train. When your state’s name alone gets that kind of interest, you’re nowhere near the worst.
Sex and porn stars are basically everywhere
Read those Florida Man stories, and you’ll realize we’re also sexier than any state in the country. Notice I said sexier, not “full of good-looking people” or “free from entire cities of retired carnies.” Our retirement communities are known more for sexually transmitted infections than they are for shuffleboard. Sure, now you say ewwww, but get back to us when you’re 80. You’ll be as thankful for Florida’s sexiness as you are for Cialis.