2am booty alarm
Yes, you can set an alarm to wake up and have sex with your spouse. It may not be as spontaneous as you would like, but your kids will be deep in sleep, a generally a safe time. Just tell the kids their dad's snoring kept you up all night when they ask why you look so tired.
Build a fort
There's always a bed near a window in a hotel room. Make sure you get that bed! Stick the kids over by the bathroom. Throw some blankets on the ground between the wall and the bed, pull up a chair at the foot of the bed, and throw a sheet over it, tucking in the sheet around the chair and the head of the bed. Voila! Instant visual barrier from your kids that also lends itself to a little pioneer role-playing. If you don't want to be squished on the floor, tell the kids they are "camping out" tonight so they take the floor and you get the bed farthest away from them.
Happy hour on the balcony
Balconies aren't my first choice, but sometimes a parent has to do what a parent has to do, especially if you have younger children who can’t be left alone. If you keep the balcony door open a crack you can still hear any midnight wailing, but also get a little privacy, at least from the kids. Ask for extra blankets and pillows from housekeeping BEFORE the kids go to sleep and place them on the chair on the balcony. Once you are sure everyone is asleep, sneak out and quietly go about your business and try not to think about what you will do if one of your neighbors decides to walk onto their own balcony to enjoy the view.
Take a walk along the beach… with blanket in tow
If teenagers can do it, why can't their parents? I'm not saying you have to go all From Here to Eternity with this, but you can do your own private version of it for sure. If you have older kids, it's easy to sneak away for a bit with a blanket and some courage on a dark night. Find a secluded spot, throw down your blanket, and get to it. If it helps, bring a bottle of liquid courage and two plastic cups to help light that fire.
Skip the skinny dipping
One place not to get your groove on, no matter how great it might sound, is the hotel swimming pool. To wit: my friend Rachel, who was was sharing a hotel room with her husband and three children. After the pool closed at 9pm, she and her husband snuck over to it in the dark. As they disrobed and slid into the hot tub, the front-desk clerk came barging in, threw on all of the lights, and told them to get out. Best of all, the pool room walls were floor-to-ceiling windows; anyone wandering by could see them getting dressed for their walk of shame.
But, bright side, another 15 minutes and they'd have been golden. Don't give up on vacation sex! This is your time to relax and enjoy life. You just have to get creative and pack a few essentials to make it happen. Just, seriously, trust me on that "Do Not Disturb" sign.
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