Screw You and Your 'Epic' Bachelor Party Weekend


Dear friend who’s having a big, crazy bachelor party weekend:
I love you man, I really do. We’ve been friends since the fourth grade, your parents have my number in their Jitterbugs, and you’re my emergency contact for at least two different ultimate Frisbee leagues. But your bachelor party weekend, really, it’s just too much.


Bachelor parties were once a pretty cool idea. The boys would all get together a couple nights before the wedding, have a few too many adult beverages, and pay a woman in Lucite platforms to whip you onstage for the enjoyment of your buddies and anyone else who hits the strip club on a Thursday.
But somewhere along the line, this celebration of “one last night of singlehood” turned into an entire weekend. Which I actually understand, because as we get older, guys’ weekends become harder and harder to organize. And the idea of getting everyone together for a few days is actually kind of sweet.
The problem is, nobody goes cheap for THEIR bachelor party. Oh, no. It’s a once in a lifetime experience, which means we all need to party like second-round NFL draft picks. This means an entire weekend of eating overpriced steaks, waiting in club lines, and private rooms at the strip joint where orange juice costs $21.
Replace “strip club” with “insanely expensive hotel spa,” and bachelorette parties are the same beast in a white veil.
Newsflash pal: it’s a bachelor party, not a rap video. And unless you all of a sudden became biffles with Floyd Mayweather, most of us can’t afford it. Now I'm left with a choice of either not going, or missing my next five student loan payments.


Because, your “once in a lifetime” weekend in Vegas is my “five times a year invitation.” If I go to just yours, the four other bachelors whose parties I skip are going to get all second grade and accuse me of playing favorites. And if I attend all of them, I’ll be taking the bus to work and living off egg noodles and Classico.
I’ve only got so much vacation time and so much money. And I’ve gotta use both to fly to your wedding, plus the four other weddings I have this year. If I come to your bachelor party too, I’m now spending ALL my extra time and money on somebody else. If I wanted to do that, I’d be the one getting married.


“Sure,” you say, “we’re having my bachelor party in South Beach, but we’re not gonna spend THAT much.”
Sure we’re not. Until that one friend of yours who works 80 hours a week in finance and probably snorted his lunch insists “money is no object for THIS guy!” Then jovially slaps you on the back, and turns to us and says: “Am I right, guys?”
And not wanting to look like lesser (aka cheaper) friends, we all grudgingly agree that, yes, no price is too high for our buddy getting married. And then we fork over another $300 (each) so we can get the GOOD table at LIV.


It’s not your fault. We’ve all watched a few too many cable reruns of The Hangover or Very Bad Things and now think a bachelor party can’t just be a party -- it’s gotta be EPIC! But unless somebody drugs us all or impales a hooker on a towel rack, that ain’t gonna happen. So how about we save some cash to do something for your bachelor party that won’t put your friends in 24% APR hell?

A bachelor party CAN involve inviting everyone to your hometown a few days before the wedding for a big night out. Or maybe a couple of months before, when your fiancée is on HER bachelorette weekend. Or going somewhere relatively close by that’s still different enough to be fun, but not so far it requires a TSA pat-down.

But lacking that, I’m gonna have to say thanks, but no thanks, lifelong chum. While the idea of a little weekend getaway is fun, I’m just not going to make it. Have fun on your big, crazy bachelor party weekend and don’t do anything too stupid. The plane ticket I bought for your wedding is non-refundable.

Love always,

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Matt Meltzer will probably still come to your bachelor party in hopes it ends up like Very Bad Things. Follow him @mmeltrez.