The Perfect Hotel for Every Vegas Visitor

When you're in a normal city, let's call it Austin or San Diego or Des Moines or what-have-you, you can just book a hotel in an area that, by all appearances on Google Maps, seems to be "downtown"-adjacent and be relatively assured that there will be things to do in that area. Things one can walk to from said hotel, and plenty of them, in such a way that one can feel one has explored said city to his or her satisfaction in the amount of time he or she stayed there. In fact, this is such a generally assumed travel reality that it is more or less an expectation.

But Vegas is not a normal city, and you are not going to be able to explore this neon-soaked altar to capitalism's id on foot (unless, of course, you never leave your own resort).

The resorts here are all the size of city blocks. To walk from your hotel room deep within the bowels of ONE of the 600-room towers of your home for the weekend to the craps tables at the casino next door might take half an hour.

Literally. Thirty minutes of walking. To get from your hotel room to the casino right next to your own.
And this is why you need to be very intentional about where you stay. What are you here for? What do you want to experience while you're here? What do you care about? What are your dearest wishes and deepest desires? Who are you as a person? If you were an Oreo flavor, which Oreo flavor would you be?

Now that you have done some serious self-examination, you're ready to book your Vegas vacay, and we've broken the Vegas hotel scene down for you by categories of special interest so you can strategize accordingly.

If you're here for a bachelor party, you care about one thing and one thing only: blowing unconscionable amounts of money at the strip club on girls from whom the only "ride" you'll be getting is the ride they'll taking you on to separate you from your money. Since there are no strip clubs on the Strip, you'll want to be somewhere with easy access.

Alright, so, you're here to throw down. You don't want to see sunlight unless it's on your way back to your hotel room to pass out until it's time to get ready for the club again. You'll want to stick close to those clubs, in fact, because that walk back to the room can be a real struggle at 6am with legs made of Jell-O shots. 

So maybe you've heard this one, but we have a lot of shows here in Vegas. Like, a LOT. Like, you think you know how many shows there are here (and that there are indeed a lot), but you really have no idea. From the dozen-ish (OK, more like six, but it feels like a dozen) Cirque shows to off-Cirque shows like Le Rêve (le meh) and Absinthe (go, now), the quality of stage productions you can see in Vegas seven days a week surpasses Broadway.

But then there are also all the impersonation acts (Elvis, Prince, '80s rock bands, drag queens as pop stars) and the improvisation acts and the A- and B- and C- and yes, even D-list comedians and the headliner magicians like Penn & Teller and Criss Angel and the magicians that play in some sketch back-alley venue behind the Denny's on the Strip that looks kind of like a high-school classroom theater practice space -- NOT the actual theater, mind you, but the classroom used to store gym equipment that's occasionally used for acting practice -- and, OH RIGHT, the residencies with performers who need only one identifying name: Celine, Mariah, Elton, Britney, J.Lo (still only one name!), Tim and Faith.

And THEN you've got the top-line entertainment at the Smith Center, including all the touring Broadway productions and the cabaret jazz club, then there's all the off-off-OFF-Strip fringe theater that inexplicably exists here despite not really seeming to have much of an audience even among locals, and then there's just bizarre shit like Puppetry of the Penis because this is Vegas and nothing makes sense. That's just the culture here. 

Often related to the obsessively-seeking-strip-clubs bachelor party are the pool partiers: sun worshippers and water rats, all. Just kidding -- if you're here specifically for pool clubs then you definitely don't care about the sun OR the water. JUST kidding, I suppose not everyone here is in desperate pursuit of sex with strangers. HA, kidding, don't be an idiot, of course you are. #PoolSeason is a serious thing in Vegas. It is a months-long holiday, a season ("summer" is what it is called elsewhere, and while they share some common points they are not fully the same thing), a lifestyle, a mindset. There are many kinds of pools and many kinds of pool clubs for many kinds of tastes, and your flavor preference is going to make a big difference in where you should stay.

If you want the Vegas experience without all of that Vegasy-ness, check out one of the "locals" casino hotels, which are an easy cab ride to the Strip if Strip things still need to be done, but also far enough from the hordes to feel somewhat civilized while also still feeling like a Vegas vacation. Added bonus: These places tend to be a lot cheaper -- like, by HALF -- and are also quite nice.

Oh right, gambling! That's a thing that people do here! Now, some of you will want to play at a high-limit poker table, while others will be happy with pai gow. Some casinos are known for their hot craps (LOLWUT), while others specialize in more library-quiet table games, and others still are just places to go drink in with the gambling being secondary. Everywhere has its own area of specialty, but basing yourself in these hotels will guarantee a #winning streak, even if you're not actually "winning."

Nevada is the only meaningful state to allow sport betting (sorry, Delaware, but we're not saying anything you didn't already know). Because of this, an integral part of the Vegas gambling experience is the Vegas sports book, basically a sports bar on steroids (the extra-good ones that pro athletes use to make their biceps big and 'nads small). If you're here to watch and bet on sports, you want to be somewhere with a killer sports book.

Hey, we all need a little bit of retail therapy sometimes, and Vegas is basically Rodeo Drive AND Fifth Avenue AND the Mag Mile x10 x10 x10. You'll find the ultra-ultra high-end, "our items don't have price tags and we do not have 'stores' but 'retail experiences'" spots down the block from the quirky, indie, vintage, and sometimes bizarre. Including regular-ass malls, which we are specifically not including here. You have those at home. Seriously. Stop.

If you are a self-professed foodie, scouring endless IG posts and listicles and Yelp reviews and solicited Facebook comments to find the best of the best of the BEST places to eat while you're in town is a recipe for burnout. Don't fry yourself. Instead, get to the center of the city-sized Kitchen Stadium that is Las Vegas.

If you're here for reasons other than gambling -- maybe you came out for a little "me time" on the golf course or at the spa, or you're stuck going to a conference at the Las Vegas Convention Center and are bumming hard that the conference isn't in Miami this year, or you're here for a wedding and are bumming hard that the wedding isn't in Miami, or you're prone to seizures triggered by flashing lights and ringing bells and all the noisenoisenoisenoise -- then you might just want to consider a non-gaming property. Which do actually exist, even on the Strip! They're a hell of a lot quieter, both in terms of the lack of gaming floor but also in terms of the decidedly less WOOOOO-y clientele. Not surprisingly, these cases are also among the upper echelon of Strip properties, for a more civilized Vegas experience.  

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