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The Loch Ness Monster Is Just a Catfish

Published On 07/17/2015 Published On 07/17/2015
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Talk about being Catfished.

The world's most famous mythical creature, Tom Cruise's heterosexuality the Loch Ness Monster, is apparently not some relic of the Mesozoic Era, but rather, a large entree available at Cracker Barrel. Yes, according one expert, the Loch Ness Monster is a Hickory-Smoked Country Ham gigantic catfish. And yes, that's two strikethrough jokes in one paragraph.

"Looking at all the evidence, speaking to eyewitnesses, the most likely solution is a Wels catfish," Steve Feltham told Sky News.

Feltham has dedicated the last 24 years of his life to investigating the mysterious beast, abandoning his girlfriend, house, and job to pursue Nessie. So you know he's legit.

The Wels catfish can grow up to 13ft in length and 800lbs in weight, or roughly the size of two pre-surgery Ruben Studdards. Which would really be something -- Loch Ness sees about 1 million visitors each year, though if two Ruben Studdards were crooning around the pond, that number would definitely be like 4 million.

The Catfish Hunter, Feltham, said he could spend another decade in search of the real answer, telling Sky "I'm not saying the mystery's solved. I'm still looking for a better explanation than that."

When reached for explanation, Ruben Studdard said, "Sorry 2004."

Ryan Craggs is Thrillist's Senior News Editor. He once rapped the lyric, "I stuttered like Ruben," in a song. Thankfully, few people have heard this song. Follow him @ryanrcraggs.

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