As we all know, flying economy sucks, and there's little we can do about it but try our best to coexist with idiot passengers. Following are the timeless arguments had in Economy, while First Class looks on and laughs.
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Should I recline my seat? Totally! Time to kick back and relax -- and that extra pitch of 10 degrees yields 100% more comfort. Are you f-ing insane? Times've changed. Reclining seats are the product of a bygone era when planes had legit legroom. Those days are gone. Just because you can recline doesn't mean you should, but if you're still going to be a d*ck, at least give us a heads up and recline slowly.
Which overhead bin should I use? First come, first served. Grab the first free compartment you see. Overhead bin space is tight... DIBS! Step off. Use your own bin and stop stealing mine! The rule's unwritten, but it's still the rule -- the overhead bin near or above your seat is for your bag. Get it?
Line up Upon first PA announcement... Jump to the front! The sooner we're all up and ready at the gate, the faster we can board and take off, right? Right?!?! Slow your roll. Calm down, dude, everybody's getting on. The 'gate lice' epidemic must be eradicated, and the nervous Nellies who attack the door at the first announcement stopped -- whatever the cost.
Fish in the aisle Take yer time. Just need to find my Werther's Originals -- two secs! Can't believe I didn't think to do this while killing time at Chili's-To-Go. Make it snappy. Get out of the way. For the love of God! Stow your bag and sit the hell down. We want an on-time departure for Cleveland! Because, you know, Ohio's limelight is fleeting.
Arm w(rest)ling Acquiesce to the passenger in the middle seat. Why not throw the middle man a bone? It's the least desirable seat, after all... Stake your claim. It's not your fault he waited to buy his ticket/ check-in so late he's stuck there. Why should he be rewarded for being lazy?
Wear beach gear Air Marshals aren't fashion police. Who are you to tell me how to dress? Comfort should be king, and this is my best 'going out' tank, anyway. Follow the '50 feet from the water' rule. If you can't see the rippling waves or smell the chlorine, tank tops aren't appropriate, especially considering the close quarters of coach.
Carry-on take-out Feel free to bring your food. Airlines don't feed us any more, so mind your own business. Also, want some fries? I can't finish these. Is my sandwich causing you egregious harm? Thought not. Seriously, share my fries! Eat before you go... I'm sensitive to smells, awright? A tuna sandwich? On the plane? Really? I'm complaining to the flight attendant.
Feel the carpet between your toes Let those dogs breathe. It's a long flight, and you'd like to stretch out your feet and wiggle your toes. No good? Keep those Chuck T's laced up. No one on this flight wants to smell your foot odor for the next two hours. We get your need to relax, but no shoes/ no shirt/ no seat next to me, thanks very much.
Chat up your neighbor We've got three hours to kill... tell me about yourself.Airplanes are a great place to meet people, and if you're lucky enough to be seated next to an attractive woman, you're going to try strike up a conversation. My headphones are on for a reason, now please leave me alone. There are few things worse than spending an entire flight listening to an older gentlemen in the row behind you engage an attractive coed in meaningless banter. Airplanes are 'quiet zones', from First Class to tail fin.