Few products can lay claim to being useless, fug, and borderline offensive in equal measure. As this dubious trifecta applies cover-to-cover at SkyMall, you’d have to be high on pressurized air to exchange money for anything they sell. We’ve scoured through the murky depths of the inflight mag to find you the most incredible atrocities -- whittling them down to 15 just may've been the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
Are You Brave Enough to Walk Around on the Wings of a Biplane While It's Flying at 3,500 Feet?
SkyMall says: “Forged with a motion-sensing accelerometer, it detects the hand's nuanced movements to translate 13 distinct gestures. Other motions of legerdemain, such as quick taps to pause/ play a DVD, forward/ backward thrusts, and dramatic sweeps can be matched to nearly any existing remote's functions”. $89.95 Our take: Ok, this thing is actually pretty great. You’ll use it: Every time your Harry Potter fan club convenes at your house to jump between eight different football games at once, like all Harry Potter fan clubs love to do.
SkyMall says: “This is the patented wall clock that at a glance answers the query 'what day is it?' Providing a simple, gentle alternative to noisy alarms, the clock reminds those with unrestricted schedules of a volunteer commitment, a weekly shopping trip, or a recurring luncheon date”. $49.95 Our take: Rip Torn finally will know what day it is, maybe. You’ll use it: On Thursdays. And maybe Sundays? Definitely Tuesdays.
SkyMall says: “Add feminine flair to your game day decorating. A hand-painted, embossed wine bottle holder shaped like a pump and accented with rhinestones is sure to be a crowd pleaser”. $36.99 Our take: Trying to hit multiple niche markets -- high-class female football fans who also love wine and footwear -- and missing the mark on all but “those with hideous taste”. You’ll use it: To track down your true love who disappeared from the ball, the inimitably beautiful Gilbert Brown.
SkyMall says: “Create dimension and drama in any room. Crafted of quality designer resin and finished in a rich, antiqued gold, these wall accents add drama and historic interest from the ancient ‘goddess of good fortune’”. $29.95 Our take: The perfect pop of whimsy for your BDSM dungeon. You’ll use it: You were planning on sacrificing a goat this weekend, right? Ok, good, good.
SkyMall says: “Anyone who's ever located their car using the keychain's alarm button will recognize the genius of the Beer Pager. A drink holder that’s wired for sound, simply press the remote and it calls out with a burp and flashing lights”. $24.95 Our take: Who loses their beer? Who loses it close enough to see flashing lights? Won't Rip Torn have consumed it by the time you've located it? You’ll use it: To beep "143" at upcoming beers.
SkyMall says: “Now you can have all the tattoos without the pain! This fun and flirty tee has all the ink you need!” $39.95 Our take: There actually appears to be a wealth of pain involved here. You’ll use it: To get stabbed even more quickly than last time, at the next Hell’s Angel mixer.
SkyMall says: “This memory will not wash away. Just give us two names and we'll create a one-of-a-kind print featuring your two names in the sand”. $39.99-$69.99 Our take: This is important, because both beaches and cameras are basically impossible to find. You’ll use it: If your name is Jon and you're dating Julie and it just seemed like fate and you had a whole bunch of mini-bottles on the flight.
SkyMall says: “With graceful lines and explosive color, the regal peacock wraps his plumage around a timelessly classic plinth in this Toscano-exclusive work of decorative art sure to command attention”. $69.95 Our take: Garden gnomes are OVER. You’ll use it: To throw off potential burglars by showing them there's really nothing of worth inside your home either.
SkyMall says: “Pop out the reinforced support legs, open the cover, and get ready for puzzling. Assembly area is also covered with non-slip felt and includes a unique magnetic bar to hold your puzzle box in place for easy reference. A must-have for every puzzle enthusiast”. $169.99 Our take: "I don’t always solve jigsaw puzzles, but when I do, I take them on trips to Europe with me". You’ll use it: As a really, really short beer pong table.
SkyMall says: "The Siamese Slanket is a gigantic fleece blanket with sleeves for two! A very soft-to-the-touch, lightweight, but warm fleece blanket with large, loose sleeves designed so you don't feel like you're wearing the blanket, simply wrapped up in its wonder”. $40.99 Our take: Yul Brynner could actually probably pull this off by himself. You’ll use it: When you are, in fact, Yul Brynner.
SkyMall says: “Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances”. $249 Our take: Just like the Mexican chair people in the Brüno movie, except Basho looks like he's about to leave a mess on your carpet. You’ll use it: As... a table. You've got the damn thing, you might as well put a bowl of cashews on it.
SkyMall says: “The Human Slingshot is a fresh new game, unlike anything you've seen, and is guaranteed to be a big hit whether you're playing or watching. It's an exhilarating, fast-paced game that involves four people slinging each other back and forth within a human-sized stretchable band”. $99.99 Our take: Suicidal fun? Crowd-pleaser! You’ll use it: When you realize you can sling that goat off a cliff to appease the cobra goddesses.
SkyMall says: "Find peace of mind by preventing unwanted intrusions into your room and provides peace of mind [sic]". $24.99 Our take: Every teenage boy in the world just bought this. You’ll use it: For the exact same thing as them.
SkyMall Says: “Double-takes will abound. Send any color photo and our computer artists will give your pet a particularly regal bearing and transfer the image onto a canvas”. $49-$89.95 Our take: Why should people have to get to know you to realize you’re a pet-obsessed weirdo, when they can get the hint within seconds of entering your home? You’ll use it: To help coordinate your three-piece suit with Mr. Muggles'.
SkyMall says: “A One-of-a-Kind shirt allows you to show that you’re an individual, that you're a little different than everyone else, and you want them to take notice of who you are. These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties, or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd”. $129.99 Our take: They failed to mention that this Frankenstein shirt is also eco-friendly, as it was made from scraps found on the factory floor in China. You’ll use it: When you're super-sick of getting laid all the damn time.
Sophie-Claire Hoeller is Thrillist's associate travel editor, and, let's be real, would totally get custom pet portraits of her already regally named cats. Follow her @Sohostyle