The best (=worst) of SkyMall
Few products can lay claim to being useless, fug, and borderline offensive in equal measure. As this dubious trifecta applies cover-to-cover at SkyMall, you’d have to be high on pressurized air to exchange money for anything they sell. We’ve scoured through the murky depths of the inflight mag to find you the most incredible atrocities -- whittling them down to 15 just may've been the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
Our take: Ok, this thing is actually pretty great.
You’ll use it: Every time your Harry Potter fan club convenes at your house to jump between eight different football games at once, like all Harry Potter fan clubs love to do.
Our take: Rip Torn finally will know what day it is, maybe.
You’ll use it: On Thursdays. And maybe Sundays? Definitely Tuesdays.
Our take: Trying to hit multiple niche markets -- high-class female football fans who also love wine and footwear -- and missing the mark on all but “those with hideous taste”.
You’ll use it: To track down your true love who disappeared from the ball, the inimitably beautiful Gilbert Brown.
Our take: The perfect pop of whimsy for your BDSM dungeon.
You’ll use it: You were planning on sacrificing a goat this weekend, right? Ok, good, good.
11. Beer PagerSkyMall says: “Anyone who's ever located their car using the keychain's alarm button will recognize the genius of the Beer Pager. A drink holder that’s wired for sound, simply press the remote and it calls out with a burp and flashing lights”. $24.95
Our take: Who loses their beer? Who loses it close enough to see flashing lights? Won't Rip Torn have consumed it by the time you've located it?
You’ll use it: To beep "143" at upcoming beers.
10. Faux Men’s ShirtSkyMall says: “Now you can have all the tattoos without the pain! This fun and flirty tee has all the ink you need!” $39.95
Our take: There actually appears to be a wealth of pain involved here.
You’ll use it: To get stabbed even more quickly than last time, at the next Hell’s Angel mixer.
Our take: This is important, because both beaches and cameras are basically impossible to find.
You’ll use it: If your name is Jon and you're dating Julie and it just seemed like fate and you had a whole bunch of mini-bottles on the flight.
Our take: Garden gnomes are OVER.
You’ll use it: To throw off potential burglars by showing them there's really nothing of worth inside your home either.
Our take: "I don’t always solve jigsaw puzzles, but when I do, I take them on trips to Europe with me".
You’ll use it: As a really, really short beer pong table.
Our take: Yul Brynner could actually probably pull this off by himself.
You’ll use it: When you are, in fact, Yul Brynner.
Our take: Just like the Mexican chair people in the Brüno movie, except Basho looks like he's about to leave a mess on your carpet.
You’ll use it: As... a table. You've got the damn thing, you might as well put a bowl of cashews on it.
Our take: Suicidal fun? Crowd-pleaser!
You’ll use it: When you realize you can sling that goat off a cliff to appease the cobra goddesses.
Our take: Every teenage boy in the world just bought this.
You’ll use it: For the exact same thing as them.
Our take: Why should people have to get to know you to realize you’re a pet-obsessed weirdo, when they can get the hint within seconds of entering your home?
You’ll use it: To help coordinate your three-piece suit with Mr. Muggles'.
Our take: They failed to mention that this Frankenstein shirt is also eco-friendly, as it was made from scraps found on the factory floor in China.
You’ll use it: When you're super-sick of getting laid all the damn time.