This British sea fort is now a luxury hotel

Giving you the thrill of sleeping in real military barracks without the thrill of getting shot by real bullets, Britain's Spitbank Fort underwent a million-dollar makeover and is now a luxury boutique hotel with nine suites and a rooftop Jacuzzi and bar.

Located in the Solent about a mile outside Portsmouth Harbor in Hampshire, England, the "fortel" (no?) is accessible only by boat.

Built in 1878 to defend Britain from a French invasion after Napoleon III assumed power, Spitbank housed 150 soldiers and...

...did not at all boast this romantic rooftop firepit next to which you and a lady friend could stare longingly out at the sea. It was, however, attacked by the Nazis during World War II and remained in the service of the Queen until being decommissioned by the Ministry of Defense in 1982.

Many of the fort’s original features have been retained, including the riveted ceilings, arched windows, 15ft-thick granite walls, and an occasional cannon laying about. Persian rugs and decorative oars add an air of sophistication.

As do these elegant sofas and nautical accents.

Yes, these sleeping quarters used to be lined with hammocks. For $800 a night, though, welcome to the king suite.

Up top, some of the aforementioned cannons have been replaced with chairs and a sun deck so you can get your tan on.

There's also this jacuzzi, which looks picturesque empty but even better...

...filled with this crazy group of gals. The fort actually holds up to 60 for events.

Sure, a fort usually has a mess hall, but how about three restaurants, four bars, and a champagne deck where they teach the lost art of sabrage, or opening a bottle of bubbly with a saber, of course.

There's also a library and a wine cellar.

Finally, it's all brandy, politics, poker in the game room. 

Sophie-Claire Hoeller is Thrillist's über-efficient German associate travel editor, who's had frequent flyer status since her mother gave birth to her in a Lufthansa terminal. Follow her @Sohostyle