Split Florida into two states? That's a great idea.

In case you missed it, some city commissioners in Southern Florida want to split the Sunshine State in two.

The City of South Miami (not to be confused with South Beach, South Miami's a southern suburb best known for having Dade County’s first Chipotle) passed a resolution to separate South Florida from the rest of the state. The new State of South Florida would include 24 counties and stretch from Orlando/Orange County down to the Keys. You can read the whole diabolical plan here.

That said, we think it's a fantastic idea.

Florida Fishing

First, it will enable each part of the state to focus on what it's best at. So instead of wasting money on Everglades restoration and immigration control, North Florida can focus on stuff like innovative fishing rods and cutting-edge ways to market jorts.

Meanwhile, instead of spending tax dollars on education and agriculture, South Florida can become a world leader in public corruption and Spanglish.

Meth lab suspects

Further, it'll make it easier for the rest of the country to pinpoint where a ridiculous news story is coming from. Now, when you hear about a man trying to breed with an alligator, it could be ANYWHERE within 65,7555 square miles. But once we’re split, people will start to know which Florida by the headline.
Mom arrested for using her kids to make crystal meth? Florida. Public official arrested for SMOKING crystal meth? South Florida. Man running prostitution ring out of a 1964 winnebago? Florida. Man caught trying to sail to America in a boat MADE from a ’64 winnebago? South Florida.

Serial killers could go either way, or be from Washington State.

University of Miami
Wikimedia Commons

Sadly, the state’s two best “universities” will both stay in regular Florida. Which means if you live in South Florida, your in-state options all pretty much sound like prison correspondence colleges.

“Oh, you got your PhD from Florida Atlantic? How was that? I saw them advertising on Maury the other day”.

SoFla will still have the University of South Florida, however, and for the first time in its existence, it'll have a name that doesn’t immediately confuse the sh*t of people. Since it’s in Tampa, as it currently stands, it's like calling Purdue “The University of West Cleveland.”

Florida Kayaking

From a tourism perspective, this might seem pretty one-sided. South Florida will have all the theme parks, Miami, Fort Lauderdale, and the Keys. Then again, SoFla taxpayers will be on the hook for all the medical costs from uninsured tourists who pass out in line for Harry Potter World and/or overdose in a South Beach club; Florida, on the other hand, won’t have much to worry about except swamp kayakers getting lost in the panhandle. And nobody ever hears from those guys again anyway.

South Florida can also finally rid itself of those meddlesome people trying to get them to do stuff like hold legitimate elections and speak English. Meanwhile, regular Florida can finally rid itself of those maniacs trying to do stuff like legalize marijuana and pass immigration reform. Kinda like giving your kids separate bedrooms -- everyone wins.

Not that it’ll ever happen, but since both halves of this state blame all of its problems on the other one, wouldn't it be fun to finally figure out which half really IS the stupidest state in the nation?