Nothing triggers the "I'm not gonna pay $10 after I just paid $500" reflex like inflight internet. But because you need to be on the internet to pay for the internet, they don't cut you off completely -- you can still play the most enjoyable of all e-games: live-chatting with customer service. And if you play your cards right, you might just get that free access you crave.
STAGE 1: JUST ASK.
Shannon: Welcome to Gogo. My name is Shannon.
Shannon: Hello, David. How are you tonight?
david blend: Hello Shannon. Are you related to that guy who might or might not still play for the Lakers?
Shannon: I am not :)
david blend: That's okay. He's mostly an "energy guy" anyway. I only ask because I'm super bored because I can't get on the internet without paying money.
david blend: Is there any way for you to beam free internet to where this airplane is? And to my seat on this airplane?
Shannon: May I please have your username?
david blend: I don't think I have one. Just a name name.
Shannon: Do you have a Gogo account?
david blend: I don't think so. Last time I flew it was free and you just clicked an "I promise that I read all this stuff and agree to it" button.
Shannon: Sorry, I don't have any free sessions to give today.
david blend: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
david blend: Are there other days where there are free sessions to give?
Shannon: Not to non customers. If you want service you will have to buy a pass.
david blend: But then that's not free!
Shannon: Nope, it wouldn't be.
david blend: It's like a Catch-22
david blend: Which was a book about flying planes. That's probably ironic.
Shannon: Sorry, I have other customers to assist. So, if there is nothing more I can do for you, I will have to disconnect.
Shannon: Thank you for choosing Gogo. Fly classy. Shannon has disconnected.
STAGE 2: TIRE OF JUST ASKING, BE KIND OF JERKISH. CHANGE NAME IN CASE THEY'RE MONITORING.
Maggie: Welcome to Gogo. My name is Maggie.
Maggie: Hello Stevie
Stevie B: Ello Maggie. (I think that's how the Australians say "hello")
Maggie: How may I help you?
Stevie B: Is there any way to get Gogo for free? Like, something I can do, or say, or a god I can pray to?
Maggie: Our service is not available free of charge, unless there is an existing promotion. You can browse the free content found on our homepage which includes your airlines' website. Additionally, if you sign up to receive special news and offers from Gogo, we will send out new offers as they become available.
Stevie B: I think the free content is just eBay and Amazon, which means buying stuff. I'm obviously too cheap to buy stuff though.
Maggie: I apologize we do not have any promotions right now.
Stevie B: Do you think there might be something wrong with me? It's just $10, and I can't make myself pay it. Maybe some trauma from my youth?
Maggie: I apologize our services are not free if you want to use it you have to pay for it.
Stevie B: I know you're not a psychiatrist, I'm just looking for some answers.
Stevie B: Just a lonely man looking for answers.
Stevie B: There are a lot of us out there. It's a disconnected age.
Maggie: I have given you an answer, You need to pay for our services.
Stevie B: Disconnected from the internet.
Stevie B: Right. I know. I'm just trying to not pay. There's no secret password or anything? Like "Illuminati" or "Cat"?
Stevie B: Pirate argh.
Maggie: You have to make a purchase to get connected.
Stevie B: I'm connected right now! I mean, we're talking. About life and such. Which is mainly what I do on the Internet. In chat rooms.
Stevie B: Have you heard of AOL?
Maggie: Understand, do you have any other questions?
Stevie B: Tons!
Stevie B: But really life's all one big question, "Can I get free internet?" And I already asked that, so... happy holidays, and thanks for listening to me. You're very patient.
Maggie: No, Internet is not free today.
Stevie B: Right.
Maggie: Happy Holidays.
Stevie B: Stay classy.
Stevie B: Fly classy? Maggie has disconnected.
STAGE 3: GIVE UP ON FULL ACCESS, GO FOR QUASI-ACCESS. DECIDE THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY BE MONITORING.
Maria: HI David
Maria: How can I help you
david blend: How's it going Maria
david blend: Had a situation
david blend: I'm like genetically incapable of paying for inflight internet after paying for a flight ticket, but I really really miss the internet. Can you tell me the score of the game?
Maria: What game
david blend: Any game is fine. I just need sports scores.
david blend: I guess NBA, unless the NFL has Wednesday games now too
Maria: Ok give me a sec
david blend: Or there's some weird college bowl game nobody's watching but that I'd still love to... oh, great!
Maria: Dec 18 Warriors beat Hornets 103-96 Dec 18 Lakers beat Bobcats 101-100 Dec 18 Nuggets beat Spurs 112-106
david blend: Uh oh, Spurs are getting ooooooold
david blend: And the Bobcats are so bad the Lakers can beat them
david blend: I hope that wasn't offensive and that you're not a fan of any of those teams
Maria: No not into sports, is there anything else i can help you with
david blend: I'd ask if you could tell me the name of the song that's in my head but that might take a lot of googling
Maria: Thank you for choosing Gogo. Fly classy.
Maria has disconnected.
[Note: After disconnecting, I realized that those scores were from the previous night.]
STAGE 4: REALIZE YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER THEM. CHANGE NAME AGAIN.
Deric: Welcome to Gogo. My name is Deric.
Mitch email: Hi ya Deric
Deric: How can I help you mitch?
Mitch email: I was wondering if there was a way I could watch an ad in return for free internet? I'm pretty broke right now.
Mitch email: I'm already watching an ad on the airplane TV. I think it's for Fallout Boy. So watching a different ad would help me out in and of itself.
Deric: Alright, well you are my last chat tonight and I am going home. SO.. You shall get connected for free
Mitch email: oh! that is awesome!
Mitch email: You are the man Deric
Deric: No problem, xD. 22yygw6392tcc7 This code can be used to purchase any Segment or 24hr Day pass 24.95 or less. Just select BUY sign into your account and use the code when prompted in the promotion box to see the price zeroed out.
Deric: Have a good evening Mitch.
Mitch email: You too Deric. I'm going to use that code to watch something that isn't Fallout Boy.
Deric: Haha Thank you for choosing Gogo. Fly classy. Deric has disconnected.
STAGE 5: FAIL TO RECAPTURE MAGIC OF STAGE 4, PARTLY BECAUSE THEY CAN'T ACTUALLY DIAL UP COMMERCIALS. TELL TALE OF LEGITIMATE AIRLINE HEARTBREAK, THEN OFFER SOMETHING EVEN GRANDER THAN WILLINGNESS TO WHORE SELF TO COMMERCE. HAVE MORE FUN WITH NAME.
Seth: Welcome to Gogo. My name is Seth.
Seth: Hello Red.
Red Camersol: Afternoon Seth. Had a question: I just had a 7hr delay on my flight -- and I'd already eaten chicken fried steak and eggs before they gave me my $10 food voucher. Wondering if I can get internet access for free today.
Seth: No, I am sorry but we are not a part of the airline and unfortunately, I will not be able to compensate for that.
Red Camersol: I thought you guys worked with the airlines?
Seth: We do provide the wifi on their flights, but that is all.
Red Camersol: Is there anything I can do on my end? I write pretty decent poetry. You can give some to your girlfriend for Valentine's Day.
Red Camersol: I'm not trained or anything. All instinct.
Seth: Let's see what you've got!
Red Camersol: What's her name?
Red Camersol: Or I can make up a name and you can sub in her name later if you want to keep that personal.
Red Camersol: Belinda?
Red Camersol: Ah. Okay. Here goes.
Red Camersol: Kelsy, your love completes me as much as the chicken fried steak and eggs I ate for breakfast. Your tenderness fills the belly of my love until it extends well over the waistline of my fear of relationships and whatnot. I am as firmly committed to you as I was to finishing that excessively large breakfast, including the cream gravy and multigrain toast.
Red Camersol: That's National Books of Poetry Award stuff right there Seth!
Seth: Hahahaha Excellent. You deserve an award.
Red Camersol: The free internet award?
Red Camersol: THAT IS SO AWESOME
Seth: 24ybt71807142 - After signing in to your account and selecting your pass, enter the code at checkout to apply your discount.
Red Camersol: Oh man, you just made my day. Hopefully this poem will make Kelsey's.
Seth: It already did! :-)
Red Camersol: Tell her I send my best, and I really meant that part about the multigrain toast.
Seth: Sure thing Red! Take care.
Seth: Thank you for choosing Gogo. Fly classy.
Seth has disconnected.