There's no stupider animal on earth than a human male who thinks he’s about to score. Every woman on the planet knows this, as do several savvy business owners who've created an entire industry around helping him trade his hard-earned cash for the comforting knowledge that he, like, totally has a chance. They’re called strip clubs, and they make any bad decision bar look like a chapter hall for Mensa.
And while some might argue that even going to a strip club in the first place is a pretty bad decision, the fact of the matter is: there are some in every state, and they're definitely worth visiting. As long as you don’t do these 14 things.
Thinking there’s sex in the champagne room
Chris Rock wasn't completely right, there might be. But if there is, the $500 you just spent to go back there doesn’t include it. And your decision-making doesn’t get any better after a $750 bottle of Brut.
Even if you think you’re being slick with that “blank screen” app, everyone’s seen it before. And, surprisingly, Apple doesn’t include an “Irate strip-club bouncer” clause in its iPhone warranty.
Forgetting to count your lap dances
What she means by, “I want to give you another one” is “one more trip to the ATM so you can take out $40 for every two-minute song I just spent on your lap.”
Using the ATM
For some reason, being charged $8 to take out $20 seems completely reasonable when you’re flanked by a girl with a $9,000 boob job.
Starting a tab
The only quicker way to have your identity stolen is by replying to that email from the deposed Prince of Nigeria.
Yes, at some of the country's finer clubs, a little eighth-grade-style groping is actually initiated by the dancers and part of the lap-dance experience. But if you value the use of your thumbs, know EXACTLY where that line is drawn and NEVER cross it.
Believing a stripper is into you, EVER
Unless your first name is "Giant Bag Of" and your last name is "Cash," she's not.
Buying a “ladies' drink” for the dancers
Tough to say what’s a bigger waste of $25: two minutes of dry humping or somebody else’s Diet Coke.
Checking-in on Facebook
It’s not nearly as hilarious when a screen cap of it shows up in your buddy’s divorce proceedings.
Makin' it rain
This is only cool if you’re a professional athlete or rapper who will seriously need that $300 when he gets fired from Celebrity Apprentice.
Refusing to pay
Best case scenario, you’re banned from the club and probably several others in town. Worst case scenario, you're explaining to your girlfriend how you got a broken jaw playing poker with the guys.
Drinking too much
Eating a 4am bag of chalupas after drinking too much is always a GREAT idea. Insisting that you can pole dance better than the strippers, and then trying to demonstrate, might not be.
Going to the club because a stripper texted you
Oh, she ended it with a smiley face? Never mind then. TOTALLY into you.
Waiting around for a dancer to get off work
See that surly guy over there in the corner who’s been on his phone for two hours and looks like he’s about to get a colonoscopy? Ummm, yea, that’s her boyfriend. Best to call it a night.