Summer sucks. Here are 10 reasons why I won't miss it.
After countless years of Baywatch, barbecue, and school vacation, we as a society have been conditioned to believe summer is the perfect season. This is, of course, completely wrong.
Summer is without doubt the most overrated season, and every year I breathe a sigh of relief when the 90-degree days and inflated AC bills pass us by. As fall arrives, and I hear people bemoan the fact they can't wear their favorite acid wash cutoffs anymore, I eagerly toss my summer wardrobe where it belongs: in a heap on the floor, ready for burning.
OK, so maybe just into the bottom drawer, but you get the point.
Why does the end of summer make me so happy? Here are 10 reasons to embrace the coming cold.
It's easier to stay warm than cool off
You can always add layers to keep toasty on frigid days, but you can only take off so much clothing outside before they turn the hose on you or you end up in a jail cell. When the temps rise high enough, your only respite is to flee toward an air-conditioned interior, oftentimes one that's kept so cold it forces you to wear long sleeves to stay warm, thereby defeating the purpose of air conditioning.
At that point, you might as well just wrap yourself in Gore-Tex and call it a day.
You get to wear jackets, which are handy
It's not just long sleeves that come back with the changing seasons; jackets become a necessity again, giving you the ability to carry more things on your person conveniently and easily, rather than cramming your front jean pockets with gum, keys, a wallet, and an increasingly large phone.
Sweaty isn't sexy, it's disgusting
Yes, it helps keep your body cool in extreme heat, but take a second to really think about that. When you say "I can't wait for summer", what you're really saying is "I can't wait for conditions to deteriorate to the point where my body is forced to secrete a funky, salty discharge just to keep me alive". Forget about wearing a dress shirt, or the color grey altogether, for that matter. Some things just aren't meant to be.
Summer stinks of B.O.
Even if you somehow don't mind the fact that your pores are drooling uncontrollably, there's the question of offensive body odor. Try standing in a crowded elevator with someone whose pits smell like fermented cabbage, and then tell me again how summer's just the best. Have you ever been on the New York City subway? Case closed.
Dress codes are set in stone
Despite the fact that small animals/old people are spontaneously combusting before his very eyes, the towering man dressed in black outside every swanky club still enforces the "no sneakers, no shorts" policy as though it were the first line of the U.S. Constitution. Be prepared for sweat stains... lots of 'em.
You can literally be cooked to death
That's no exaggeration; it can get SO hot that weather people give advisories telling everyone to stay indoors, just so they don't drop dead in the roiling furnace that is the outdoors. Oh, and your car? It's not just a car anymore, but an oven suitable for baking cookies, containing seat belt parts that can now grill a steak.
"But it's a dry heat", people say, as if lack of humidity somehow negates the fact that it's over 100 degrees at 10am. Thanks, but no thanks.
Sun burns are painful
The whole point of hot weather is to wear less clothing, but in doing so you expose your tender flesh to the scorching power of a thousand suns -- okay, maybe just one sun. Still, too much time in the spotlight can result in you looking less like George Hamilton and more like the Red Skull.
Oh, you still wanna wear that tank top? No problem; just glaze your entire body in tanning lotion, ensuring that your skin will stay nice and unburnt/greasy. At least for a couple hours, after which you'll have to reapply. And reapply. And reapply.
Beaches are also cesspools
One moment you're feeling the sand between toes, and the next you're in the first aid station asking a questionably trained medic to remove a shard of seashell from your bloodied foot. Toss in jellyfish stings, sand fleas, and rip currents, and suddenly the prospect of seeing scantily clad strangers sunning themselves doesn't quite seem worth it.
You can't drink dark beer in July
Summer ales are all well and good, but colder temps mean drinking seasonal stouts and porters is finally acceptable -- and palatable -- again. Anyone sipping a milk stout in 98-degree weather should be treated with extreme caution, even if it's your girlfriend. Especially if it's your girlfriend.
Labor Day ends nothing
This workers' rights holiday is upheld by many as the official end of the summer season, despite the fact that the weather continues to be obnoxiously balmy for basically another month. Why does the pool close if it's still hot out? It's stupid.
The day after an "end of summer" party should not be just as hot as the day of the party itself. This makes no sense.