You know how miserable it is to fly? The crying babies, the perpetual delays, the fistfights breaking out over reclined seats. Now imagine you did that every... single... day. And you didn't get paid much for it either.
Welcome to the life of a flight attendant, where you may get to travel the world, but you have to do it with all the people who make the world such a miserable place.
Since we've already learned whatwe're doing to piss off the flight attendant, this time we thought it'd be fun to find out what we're saying to make them equally as irate. We talked to an army of air hosts and uncovered the 21 passenger questions that will absolutely send them off the rails.
Timothy DeLaGhetto and David So Devour all the Bacon at the Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival
1. "Am I going to make my connection?"
Well, let’s see… we just collected your empty cup, it’s 1:15pm, and your connecting flight leaves at 1:20pm. Let's shake the old Magic 8 Ball here aaaaaaand… signs point to "No".
2. "Why can’t I use the first-class bathroom?"
Because if we let anyone just use it, it wouldn’t be the first-class bathroom.
Simple. This entire plane if full of a**holes who stuffed the overhead bins with winter coats and pet rock collections. Maybe they’ll all chip in for your bag fee.
4. "Do you know if this meal is gluten free?"
The answer to this question is always “yes."
5. "Why isn’t there a movie, Wi-Fi, or entertainment?"
Because there’s not. If you take a look at our inflight magazine, however, you'll find a lovely list of America's best steakhouses and a flattering profile of Wichita. We hear Kansas is beautiful this time of year.
6. "Why are we delayed?"
Look out the window. See how the tarmac resembles Lambeau Field in January? MAYBE that’s why. Maybe.
7. "So, are you in the mile-high club?"
Right now, I’m strangely jealous of the women at the bar who you use such stupid lines on. At least they can smack you.
8. "What are we flying over?"
Brown stuff. Or blue stuff. Or black stuff with yellow dots. One of those.
9. "Will you help me lift my bag?"
Because of workers comp rules we're not allowed to, but a word of advice to help you avoid this problem in the future: CHECK YOUR LARGE BAGS! It only costs $25, and from the smell of your breath, it's clear you just dropped at least that much at the airport bar.
10. "Do you have anything for my child to eat?"
When you booked the flight, did you somehow forgot that your small child needs to dine around this time? Stellar parenting, well done. Have some cheddar stick snack mix.
11. Where is my seat?
You’re in 21A, so we'd say right under the placard that says “14” on the side marked “DEF”. It’s a fun little game we like to play with passengers.
12. Will they hold the plane?
We're gonna almost always say yes, mostly so that you calm the f**k down and don’t ask our other favorite question: “Can we get off the plane first?”. But the truth is, unless there’s a large group of you connecting to the same flight (or it’s crazy expensive to rebook you), they’re not inconveniencing 200 other people just for you.
That would be a great question if we were large dudes dressed in coveralls and fluorescent yellow vests, and working on the tarmac.
14. "When will the weather improve?" We'll take it as a compliment that you think we could pass for the weather women on your local FOX affiliate, but as it stands, we possess neither meteorological training nor extra silicone.
15. "Is there something more appropriate for my child to watch?" Yes. The back of his eyelids.
16. "Why isn’t there a meal on this flight?"
We're sorry, have you not been on a plane since 2002? The last time we served meals in coach, Justin Bieber was seven. Now, can we interest you in a cold $10 sandwich?
17. "Can you check to see if I got an upgrade?"
That app, which I can clearly see open on your phone, says you’re number 45 on the upgrade list for a flight with 20 first-class seats. It isn’t lying to you. But I might.
18. "Do you have any blankets?"
If you’re that hellbent on getting Chlamydia, there are much funner ways.
19. "Do the pilots know how to land this thing?"
No, we actually just took a couple of Hare Krishnas from baggage claim, dressed them up like Captain Stubing, and prayed for the best. That's cool, right?
20. "Do you have any empty seats in business class/first class/exit row I can sit in?" Do you have a debit card with at least $89 on it? Then yes.
21. "Are we going to be safe flying over Cuba?" The last thing a country that can’t afford road construction wants to do is shoot down an American passenger jet. Please: sit back, relax, and enjoy some totally gluten-free pretzels.