I am the asshole on the plane. I’m the guy who makes flying awful. I say all these things to flight attendants, and ask all these questions, and I’ve been imitated by none other than Sir Patrick Stewart. And before all his jokes were about kids, Dennis Leary wrote songs about me.
You’ve sat next to me, or across the row. You’ve tweeted about me, Facebooked about me, and talked about me on the whole ride home from the airport to your husband, wife, or taxi driver.
And you know what? I don’t care. You go your way, I go mine; I’m not on this plane to make any friends. So before you go home and screw yourself, let me explain to you for a minute why I do all the things I do, and why you’d be better off if you were an asshole, too.
I take the whole armrest, always
Have you seen my arm? It’s freaking huge. And when you spend two hours a day blasting curls to get pipes like these, they need a place to rest. That armrest? Mine. Even if you're in the middle seat.