Travel

16 things you're definitely too old for when traveling

We hate to be the ones to point it out, but dude, you’re getting old. Like, to the point where day drinking completely rules out night drinking, and a rough Friday night puts you out of commission until Sunday.

And while at home you may find yourself channeling your inner Roger Murtaugh at some point every day, you won’t truly realize exactly how much sh*t you’re too old for until you decide to travel.

So to save you the depressingly eye-opening realization that you’re getting on in years, here are 16 things you’re definitely too old for.*

Road trips over 6 hours

“Let’s put five people in a Ford Focus for 20 hours” sounded awesome when you were driving to Albuquerque to watch your college play in the Sweet 16. Now it sounds like a backache that won’t go away until the Super Bowl.
 

And speaking of backache... sleeping on other people’s floors

They say your tastebuds change every seven years, which explains why carpet dust and unidentifiable sticky substances somehow don’t taste as good as they used to.

Ultra Music Festival Miami
LUCIE FARIS

All three days of a music festival

By 25, you’re down to two days. By 35, you’re down to one. By 45, you’re just going to pick up your kids.
 

Shoving eight people into a four-person room

Because it only takes one night of sleeping in the bathtub to make you realize this is NOT worth pissing off the hotel staff.
 

Staying up all night before an early morning flight

At some point you realized the concept of “sleeping on the plane” was kinda like the concept of “getting work done on vacation".

Spring Break

If you’re a woman doing a wet T-shirt contest past the age of 22, congratulations; you’re almost as sad as the guy in his 30s yelling “show us your t**s".


Not checking bags

Nothing screams “grown up” like wearing horribly wrinkled clothes for a week and borrowing everybody else’s toothpaste because you refused to pay $25 to check a bag. And we know that’s why -- they don’t always lose your luggage.   
 

Spending all your travel money on alcohol, none of it on food

One of the best parts of traveling is tasting different foods from all over the world.  A $9 bottle of vodka will taste like nail polish remover whether you buy it in Tuscany or Yakima.

Youth hostels

MAYBE, if it's a hostel where you can score a private room with a person you know. But not if it means sleeping below a couple of chain smoking Germans with your iPad under the pillow and your wallet sticking into your back.
 

Asking for rides to the airport at inconvenient times

So you like to get to the airport at 4am for your 7am domestic flight, “just in case?” We applaud your responsible thinking. The friends you harass for a 3.30am pickup, however, do not. That’s why God invented SuperShuttle.
 

Not renting a car

Fun as it is meeting colorful characters on the Oakland City Bus, now that you don’t have to pay the under-25 fee you can enjoy parts of the city that don’t smell like urine. And, much like asking for a ride to the airport, you won’t piss off the friends you're visiting because you're on a flight that arrives at 6am.

Booze Cruises

As well as those charcoal-filtered vodka-and-Kool Aid drinks go with bad lights and disco music, really the only thing you want to drink now is the water that’s washing down the Dramamine.
 

Finding the love of your life, 7,000 miles from home

That’s wonderful that you met your soul mate during your semester abroad in Prague, and we’re sure you look back fondly at the year you spent together on Skype. Now, you won’t date girls who live more than a $20 cab ride away.

Eating fast food. Everywhere.

The ability to subside off taco meat and rib sandwiches severely diminishes after the age of 24. What does not diminish, however, is the size of your waistline and your cholesterol level.
 

Getting Sexiled

Nobody else at the hotel bar is waiting for his friend to “finish up”. Nobody.
 

Full Moon parties

If your idea of an enlightening experience is dropping acid and joining a drum circle on some beach in Thailand, a better life plan for you just might involve staying there.
 
*Unless you’re reading this and you’re still in college. Then go out and do ALL this sh*t because in a few years you’ll see what we mean.