Sure, a European hostel might not cost an arm and a leg (well, not all of them), but instead you might opt for a place Eli Roth would likely stay if he actually still had money: the Onyria Marinha Hotel in Quinta da Marinha, Portugal. A short drive from Lisbon, Onyria's equipped with 68 Deluxe rooms, 12 Edition Villas, 4 Suites, and enough class to probably have at least, like, six bottles of fancy vino stored in the cellar -- just a few of the reasons that it was recently voted no. 1 hotel in Europe and no. 3 in the freaking world on TripAdvisor.
The Edition Villas are something that'd show up in a search result for "Amanda Bynes" because it's crazy how awesome they are. The villas are situated directly on the golf course and give immediate access to that swimming pool. Cannonbongball!