The World's Ugliest Animals... And Their Dating Profiles
After a painstaking research effort spearheaded by the Ugly Animal Preservation Society, we finally have a tangible list of the world's ugliest animals. But after perusing said list, we noticed some of the species called out weren't actually that bad (who the hell doesn't love a sloth?). Surely there were uglier animals out there. And where would said beasts find each other, unfortunate as they are?
Well obviously the answer to that question was the Internet! Here are just a few of our favorite profiles.
10. Alligator Snapping Turtle
Favorite haunt: After crawling up from the blistering depths of hell, I settled in the southern U.S. No big change there LOL! But seriously, any freshwater lake with a booming fish population is pretty great.
Favorite food(s): Fresh fish and mollusks for sure, but if I really have to, I'll settle for snakes, birds, crayfish, worms, birds, turtles, opossums, muskrats, squirrels, armadillos, raccoons, armadillos, and pretty much anything with a pulse.
Favorite movies: Obvi any TMNT flick, Finding Nemo, The Incredible Journey, and Citizen Kane.
Most embarrassing moment: One time, when I was trying to catch fish with my vermiform tongue, my partner (at the time) thought I was going in for a kiss, and I ended up biting their face off. Nature vs. nurture amirite?
9. Naked Mole Rat
When I'm not: Digging tunnels or pounding down tubers, you can find me sleeping. Because all I really do is dig tunnels and pound tubers.
My Friday nights: I'm pretty introverted, but I really love to just curl up with the rest of the mole rat colony and regulate body temperatures while eating each other's feces.
Favorite music: Digital Underground, Blind Melon, Modest Mouse, and pretty much anything but country (gross!).
Ideal first date: First, you'd come to my colony and meet the whole gang. We'd grab some tubers and gnaw on those for a bit, to get some energy for all the tunnel making we'd do later (wink wink). After, we'd feed the queen's pups some fresh excrement and wind down with some Chuck Mangione.
Hobbies: Chillin' on a seabed, covered in sand. Ambushing other fish. Being ridiculously good looking. Parkour.
Pet peeves: I'm so sick of being called the "poor man's lobster". You know lobsters used to only be eaten by the poor man, right? Also, lets talk about eating me. Can we chill out on that?
My biggest secret: I know it's taboo, but I have no problem eating a diving duck whole. In fact, I enjoy it.
Favorite music: Thelonious Monk, Phish, and Jesus Jones.
Interests: Staying alive, removal from the "critically endangered" list, climbing trees, not flying, and searching for a purpose.
First thing people notice about me: My bright feathers and general lack of any evolved traits that could protect me in the wild; I'm a large walking bird that can't fly.
Favorite books: Anything by Dostoyevsky, Anton Chekhov, and Kierkegaard. Also, Animorphs are pretty clutch.
My biggest secret: Sometimes I climb trees and jump out, hoping my instincts will kick in and I'll start flying... but I usually just glide down to the ground where something tries to eat me. YOLO.
6. This Turkey
My perfect date: We'd take a nice stroll through the forest, where we'd snack on some acorns and shrubs. Then, I'd start emphatically gobbling whilst flapping my feathers and strutting around like a real boss. After you're all smitten with weird turkey feelings, I'll try to mate with you and every other female in the area.
Most embarrassing moment: This one time a guy took a bunch of my feathers to make a hat, and then shot me. That sucked.
Pet peeves: Overconfident jakes that yelp like hens, Bobcats, no one listening to Ben Franklin when he said we were way better than Bald Eagles, and loud chewers.
First thing people notice about me: My swashbuckling snood & red wattles, and my classic-but-modern fashion sense.
5. Goblin Shark
Interests: Lazing around on upper continental slopes, submarine canyons, and seamounts... lurking nightmarishly around the ocean's floor.
Favorite food(s): Anything that swims slower than I do, which is REALLY slow... so, like, crustaceans, squid, and children (JK JK! I love kids).
Favorite season: You know, at 2,000ft under the sea, we really don't get seasons... it's a pretty stable freezing blackness year round. But, if I had to pick one, Fall. I'm a sucker for foliage.
First thing people notice about me: My smile.
4. Proboscis Monkey
Hobbies: Traveling around Borneo and sampling all the artisanal leaves and fruits it has to offer, hanging with the group (sup guys!), and roller skating.
Most embarrassing moment: One time I got really upset at a monkey from another group and somehow ended up with an erection. LOL!
Favorite movies:Dunston Checks In, Planet of the Apes, Gorillas in the Mist, and Twelve Monkeys.
Five things I can't do without: The berries of Borneo, water to swim in, my group, a copy of Kafka's Metamorphosis, and the IUCN trying to get us off that endangered species list (big up!).
3. California Condor
Perfect day: Wake up, find food, and don't die. There are only around 220 of us left in the wild so, you know, any day I don't perish is great.
Hobbies: Flying around the Grand Canyon, searching for carrion, mating for life, and being central to a ton of Native American myths (I'm kind of a big deal).
Pet peeves: Polygamy in the avian community, when younger birds try to eat before me (c'mon dude, you know the hierarchy), and global warming.
My biggest secret: I'll often just poop right on my legs. It cools me down in the hot weather. You should be cool with this going into the first date.
About me: I'm the world's largest nocturnal primate. Sup entire possum population?! Ahh, just kidding. I'm super chill, live in Madagascar (like the movie!), love chowin' on grubs, and am a pro at Catan.
First thing people notice about me: Probably my ridiculously creepy-large fingers and historically good looks.
My perfect date: We'd start off by a little scent marking... just to see if our territories could overlap... then we'd find some hollowed-out trees to forage for food in, and after that, once it came time to get down to business, I'd have to fight all the other males in the area for dominance and would probably be too tired to do much else.
Most embarrassing moment: When, for some reason, someone decided to start an ancient Malagasy legend claiming us Aye-Aye were a symbol of death. Like, c'mon man! Being a symbol of death was so early 1900s.
Interests: Self-improvement, changing myself for you, exercise, whatever it is you're interested in... not being alone anymore.
First thing people notice about me: My sense of humor.
Most embarrassing moment: When I was coined "The Ugliest Animal in the World". Boy, that one kiiiinda hurt.
Perfect date: Somewhere dark, where people can't look at me... have you seen me? I'm horrifying. Maybe a movie... Rom-coms are primo for me, but a horror flick could be fun too (I could be the main character! I kid, I kid).