The world's most pointless modes of transportation
Yeah, catching a ride to the mall with Jimmy and his mom was always pretty lame -- why's Jimmy always gotta get shotgun?! And why's Jimmy's mom always playing Loggins and Messina?!
But as far as transportation goes, his ma's car was decidedly alright. It had A/C, cup holders, and a satisfactory drivetrain that resulted in unexciting journeys between point A and point B. So in a rare celebration of the Chevrolet Celebrity, we scrutinize vehicles that are ambitious inventions, but unquestionably useless rides.
7. The jet board
I remember when my surfboard suffered a crippling mid-life crisis and decided to update itself with a motor and a makeshift steering column. Debuting in California (obviously) and slowly making its way into every state you'd think it'd be in (Florida, Hawaii), these water mowers take every physical element out of surfing. It's pretty much the same as riding a scooter, then telling everyone you just went for an exhausting bike ride.
6. The pedal boat
What's most unsettling about the pedal boat is its deceptive look and build. Just when you think you're about to enjoy a relaxing day on the lake, throwing bread at birds, boom: you're embarrassingly sweaty because you've just completed the Tour de France in a giant plastic bike-tub covered in bird sh*t.
5. The Venetian gondola
You're in beautiful, historic Italy learning about architecture, savoring your arancini, and wondering how this trip could get even more romantic. Along comes a phalanx of gondolas. TV has taught you that these bad boats are the epitome of Mediterranean sex appeal. Stop -- it's a trap. The canals are Venice's sewage system, and after three dirty canal blocks you'll be charged $50. Worst canoe ride, ever.
6. The penny farthing
If Mumford and Sons rode bikes, they'd ride these. Invented around 1869 in France, the penny farthing was most commonly referred to as a "high bicycle", likely because the rider would have to be under the influence to think riding this horrifying amalgamation was a good idea. The penny farthing's similar to Zach Morris' cell: it's functional, but there are way better phones now for super cheap, with games, and Snap Chat, and the ability to be stored in a cramped apartment.
5. The Yugo
Have an itching desire to outrun European cops in your Honda Civic SE hatchback? Head to Yugoslavia, where cops drive this 80s teen movie car! Kinda nostalgic but avidly unrealistic, the Yugo made its debut in '78 and, after 20 years too many (in the US only), ended production in '99. If it wasn't glaringly obvious, the Yugo was intended to be sold as a simple, low-cost automobile to let society know how much you hate nice things and enjoy being the brunt of jokes. If you're looking to spot some Yugos in the wild, visit Serbia, where over 60,000 are still putting around.
4. The unicycle
No one really knows the exact history of the unicycle, but one theory is that it was the devil's greatest trick: to convince the world it was a viable form of transportation. Quoth Wikipedia, "Unicycles resemble bicycles, but are less complex", which is a not-so-veiled attempt to state: bikes > unicycles, and everyone knows it. To make matters worse, being called "less complex" than something else is the ultimate burn, like when some critic called Salieri "less complex" than Mozart, deeming Salieri the unicycle of Classical composers, forever. Ouch.
3. The blow-kart
Uncommon in Holland and doing everything it can to stay that way, "blow-karting" could've been called "land-sailing", "sail-karting", or "virginity-saving". How does it work? Pay someone hourly to sit in an engine-less go-kart and wait on the wind to blow you around. Why would anyone want to do this? No idea; it looks like something someone jokingly thought up for Mad Max, 'til someone else was like, "can't we just use motorcycles?", and everyone was like "duh"!
2. The Segway
It's a tired cliche to rip on the Segway, but let's rip on the Segway! Popular in Denmark, Germany, and Sweden for street tours and tourist spotting, the Segway is one of those vehicles that should be thrown into a fire pit. But why? They can only hit speeds of 12mph (about as fast as a mobility chair... headed uphill). They're unsturdy. And uncoordinated people are always trying to prove to everyone (and themselves) that they are coordinated, so they'll rent Segways and fall over, blaming it on the "turning radius". These're the unicycles of motorized shopping carts, lacking storage, a third wheel, and a purpose.
1. The kickbike
Literally anything else is better than this.