The worst possible presents to bring back from your vacation
You totally meant well bringing back awesome, thoughtful gifts for your ingrate friends (read: you wanted to rub your epic trip in their faces), but now they're saddled with crappy souvenirs they don’t like and have no room for. So cross the following off your travel shopping list now.
You went to: Mexico
And brought back: Maracas
Why?: After a bunch of tequila, you hazily remember someone handing you maracas, and you were, like, totally in the groove, jamming away, and the ladies loved it, and it was AWESOME.
This gift sucks because: The only thing your friends can think of doing with these things is to hit you over the head with them... rhythmically, of course.
You went to: Australia
And brought back: A 'Map of Tassie' thong
Why?: You thought your girlfriend would appreciate the local 'in' joke and bask in your own cultural immersion.
This gift sucks because: She won’t let that nasty fabric anywhere near her nether region, from which you'll also face a temporary ban.
You went to: Hawaii
And brought back: Puka shell necklaces
Why?: All the cool surfer dudes were wearing them while hanging ten, brah.
This gift sucks because: The 90s called, and they miss you and your iced tips. They'll hold onto those necklaces 'til you return.
You went to: China
And brought back: Yet-to-be-released-in-the-US DVDs and fake handbags
Why?: It’s like you came from the future! And you were rich in the future!
This gift sucks because: The DVDs were shakily filmed in the movie theater and the handbag says 'Versaci'.
You went to: Germany
And brought back: A Das Boot beer glass
Why?: That movie! Remember that movie?
This gift sucks because: It’s ugly, messy to drink out of, and isn't even freakin’ German. An actual Stein would've at least been authentic, decorative, and useful. Fail.
You went to: South Africa
And brought back: An elephant tusk salad serving set
Why?: It’s African (elephants!) without being cliché (Maasai stuff), and practical (who doesn’t need a salad serving set?).
This gift sucks because: You may as well've brought back a blood diamond.
You went to: Holland
And brought back: Clogs
Why?: Even after an entire week in Holland, you can’t think of another distinguishing cultural feature (that can be brought back through customs).
This gift sucks because: Seriously? What, are we gonna go milk cows now?
You went to: Vietnam
And brought back: Snake wine
Why?: Booze! Scary booze! What a hoot!
This gift sucks because: It is literally undrinkable and utterly disgusting.
You went to: India
And brought back: A marble Taj Mahal replica
Why?: It’s just such a stunning, majestic piece of architecture. And you're pretty sure it would be impossible to leave that 'marble workshop' without making a purchase.
This gift sucks because: Would you want this in your home? WOULD YOU?
You went to: France
And brought back: A bunch of Eiffel Tower keychains
Why?: Yeah, they're crappy, but you were in a rush, they were cheap, and you thought... office crowd pleaser?
This gift sucks because: France -- land of beauty, culture, incredible food, and PLASTIC KEYCHAINS.
You went to: Japan
And brought back: Maneki-neko (beckoning cat) figurines
Why?: It’s for good luck! Who doesn’t want some extra luck?
This gift sucks because: It’s just. Staring. At you. Judging you. For eternity.
You went to: Morocco
And brought back: A colorful, ethnic rug
Why?: It’ll make your room look like an Urban Outfitter’s ad for a fraction of the price.
This gift sucks because: It was filled with local vermin.
You went to: Canada
And brought back: Maple Syrup
Why?: It’s delicious, and basically free since Canadians only charge fake money for things anyway.
This gift sucks because: There’s plenty of maple syrup in America thankyouverymuch. And no one wants a condiment in their stocking.