You’re a sexual stallion. You know the names of all the positions, and you may have even tried a few in your climb up the scale of sexual bravado. You saw 50 Shades and thought, that's cool, nothing weird there.
But, have you ever been tripped by a woman on the dance floor and then proceeded to have sex with her? Because that was the rule. What, no? Well, guess what, ALL of those things are happening somewhere around the planet, and they are just a few of the world's nine weirdest sex rituals. For the others, read on...
Where size really does matter
Mehinaku Village, Brazil
In this remote Brazil society, size truly does matter. The men of the Mehinaku tribe compete for their mulheres (women) by exposing their really, really big... fish. That is not a euphemism. It’s actually fish.
Get tripped on the dance floor, and you get laid!
Guajiro tribe, Colombia
Much like singles in the US, this indigenous group scores on the dance floor. However, unlike you at “da club” on Saturday night, the Guajiro ladies catch a fella by tripping him during their ceremonial dances. If she trips him, they must have sex. This is hopeful information for those of us without rhythm.
Intercourse in the blood of a sacrificed animal, naturally
Your knowledge of voodoo culture probably doesn’t extend past creepy doll folklore. But in Haiti, voodoo practitioners go a bit further. Every summer, those who believe in voodoo take a pilgrimage to holy waterfalls for a ritual for the goddess of love. The event concludes with naked bathing in the waterfalls and, for the truly devout, sex in the mud and blood of sacrificed animals. You thought you liked it dirty, but apparently if you're not down for doing it in the dirt with a severed goat head staring at you, well, you’re just plain vanilla. Sorry.
Everybody knows that fornicating is bad for your health
Inis Beag, Ireland
“Sex... gross!” said NO ONE EVER. Unless, of course, you’re from this tiny island off the coast of Ireland. On Inis Beag, it’s a common belief that intercourse -- much like flying -- is bad for your health (worst society ever). These folks also like to keep their underwear on during sex and all sexual encounters. We're gonna bet if they tried sex without underwear they’d like it a little bit better.
It's called wife-swappin'
The Nepalese, Himalayas
Remember when you were a kid and your mom told you to share with your brothers? This is exactly like that. Except instead of sharing your Hot Wheels, you’re sharing your wife. Apparently in this polyandrous society, it is custom for men to receive a plot of land whenever they wife up. But seeing as there is a shortage of cultivable land, this seemed to be the most convenient solution.
Or, it's called quietly stealing your buddy's wife, 'cause that's cool too
Wodaabe tribe, Niger
Arranged marriages are all the rage in this tribal group in Niger. Boys and girls are paired up at infancy. However, all is not lost if you end up getting hitched to the Debbie Downer of the group. At the yearly Gerewol Festival, men wear elaborate makeup and costumes and rock sweet dance moves to impress the ladies. It’s possible during this festival for a man to steal someone else’s wife. If the new couple is able to break off from the group as slyly as possible, the new match will be recognized by society.
Everybody name your genitals!
Indigenous Hawaiian culture, Hawaii
We may think all of our adorable euphemisms for genitalia are downright clever, but in reality, we’re just prudes. In pre-contact Hawaiian culture, genitals were not only openly worshiped, they were part of the family. Royalty and commoners alike each had individual names for their genitals, as well as lyric odes to accompany them.
No daytime doing it
Though you might like a little afternoon delight, one polyamorous group in South Africa believes that -- unlike drinking -- sex during the day is pretty much just a step above the behavior of dogs. That said, should you find yourself in a thunderstorm, at the mercy of a bad dream, or if your husband just returned from slaying the local python, crocodile, or hyena, sexy time is welcomed in spades.
Sex ed class? More like sex ed orgy.
Deer Horn Muria, India
This forest-dwelling tribe in India takes sex ed to a whole new level. During their ceremonial Ghotul ritual, teenage boys and girls are taught songs, folklore, tribal dance, and the ins and outs (ha!) of getting it on. Girls drink a natural liquor that acts as a “contraceptive” and then choose a different partner every night. (FYI ladies, booze doesn’t kill sperm and you can get pregnant if you’re on top, #truth.) Sidebar: should this “contraceptive” fail and the girl becomes pregnant, the entire village raises the child because no one knows who the father is. This entire situation sounds remarkably like one giant Jerry Springer episode.
Meagan Drillinger is a freelance writer for Thrillist. She doesn’t have a name for her genitalia... yet. Stay tuned on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter at @drillinjourneys.