In the wake of the gigantic Ashley Madison data leak that went down this week, we scoured the ensuing flood of member profiles to get a look at what the infidelity site's male users had to say about their wives -- specifically their statements justifying their extramarital explorations. The results were equal parts awkward, predictable, and hilarious.
But what about the inverse? In an effort to keep things fair and balanced, we dove back into the hoard of member profiles and pulled the greatest "My husband ___" statements we could find, adding in a couple "My boyfriend ___" ones for good measure. Some were vindictive, most were polyamorous, and one was oddly weight-based... and not in the way you'd think.
Here are the nine best (unedited) excuses female Ashley Madison members came up with for their digital dalliances:
"My husband has been looking on the internet for years, I have not."
"My husband and I are looking for a women to have some fun with."
"My husband and I are also looking for some swingers or just a woman to enjoy."
"My husband and I enjoy being persued by outsiders, and telling of our 'adventures' over dinner."
"My husband is not to be involved, this is something just for myself."
"My husband of 15 years has cheated on me looking for a payback friend with good tasteful sex."
"My boyfriend wants me to do a 3some with him and another woman, but I will only do it if I can have a 3some with him and another guy."
"My boyfriend and myself are looking for a girl to play with for the first time."
"My husband is only 140 lbs."
Gianni Jaccoma is a staff writer for Thrillist, and he hasn't weighed 140lbs since grade school. Follow his BMI fluctuations on Twitter @gjaccoma, and send your news tips to firstname.lastname@example.org