BREAKING NEWS: A 52-year-old Mexican man named Roberto Esquivel Cabrera claims to possess the world's largest penis, and TMZ has obtained a video of the guy weighing his prodigious member. C'mon, you know you wanna watch it.
According to the clip, the 19-inch wang weighs in at just about 2lbs, which is more than a can of baked beans, but less than a toy poodle. Rather than definitively settling the issue of Esquivel's corndog, though, the video only raises more mysteries -- like why Esquivel chose to wrap his hog in what appears to be a burlap sack, or why they chose to questionably censor only his testicles/pubic region.
The dude behind the dong says it's more of a curse than a blessing, as it prevents him from holding down a job, maintaining a relationship, or even kneeling in church. Although, why kneel when you've got a kickstand?
Esquivel's even had it examined by doctors from his hometown of Saltillo, who apparently determined that only six of those inches actually belong to the main part of his penis: the rest is "extra skin," which one doctor says could be shaved down with a shaft reduction operation. According to TMZ, America's most trusted news source, the pornographers at Vivid have offered to fund Esquivel's significant shrinkage, even if they're unable to secure the rights to his sex tape. Warms the cockles of your heart, doesn't it?
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Gianni Jaccoma is a staff writer for Thrillist, and he makes a living on dick jokes. Follow his phallic tweets @gjaccoma, and send your news tips to firstname.lastname@example.org