It’s hard to have a bad time on Spring Break. An entire week of the year devoted to excess amounts of everything (except sleep), doing things you won’t talk about with people you’ll never see again, and doing all of it without wearing a shirt, Spring Break is possibly the greatest American contribution to the advancement of culture since the $1 quinella.
But as fun as a week in the sun with nothing but well vodka and your best friends is, there are people you will run into who can ruin it faster than Kanye West ruins an acceptance speech. And here are 15 of them.
UFC's Conor McGregor's Guide to Celebrating St. Patrick's Day
Your dedication to physical fitness is admirable. What is NOT admirable, however, is coming back from that invigorating 7am run on the beach, blending a smoothie, and blasting your “pump-me-up” version of “Levels” when the rest of this condo got home at 6am.
It's awesome that you can pound $2 pitchers of Pacifico with the boys. But beer guts aren’t sexy on them, either.
Congratulations; even though you’re a C student, out-of-shape, and uncoordinated, you’ve finally found something you excel at. That doesn’t mean the entire condo is a group of “p*****s” because they’re not down for a rousing game of 9am Flip Cup.
The Mid-Life Crisis Man
Somewhere, your ex-wife is laughing at your sad attempts to buy drinks for girls born during the Clinton administration.
She’s got 15 minutes on the beach to find her Prince Charming before she turns into a bright red lobster. And if you didn't know it, she's reminded you at least seven times.
Spring Break Crash-Juicer
Did you really think a week of steroids and meat shakes would have you looking like a full-time frat star when you slathered yourself in baby oil? Although, if by “frat star” you mean the “Michelin Man,” then congratulations, pal. You made it.
First-Time Spray Tanner
It was a smart move getting some kind of base after the long winter in Wisconsin. Didn’t quite realize that stuff washes off if you sweat, though, did you? It’s cool, surely there’s SOMEBODY who finds crusty, caramel-colored steaks sexy.
Mr. Nice Guy
Just because you get perpetually friend-zoned back home doesn’t mean your nice-guy act is gonna play any better on Spring Break. Those girls wrote you off for being too unattractive 10 minutes before you sat down on their towel. Uninvited.
Just because you can’t make it past 2am without a little “pick me up,” doesn’t mean we’re following you and that guy you just met in the bathroom to a neighborhood that looks like City of God. This is how people end up on Nancy Grace.
Young Al Bundy
Games of pickup beach football are about taking your shirt off and “accidentally” throwing the ball towards a group of hot women. Not showing us the arm that took you to the Nebraska 8-Man state quarterfinals.
The Over-The-Top Partier
Sure, guys like a woman who’s a little uninhibited. Until that lack of inhibition leads to uncontrollable tears and her disappearing into the bathroom for four hours.
Selena Gomez and the Biebs
This couple made the genius decision of going to a den of hedonism while in a monogamous relationship, and now get in awkward public screaming matches every time one of them gets within five feet of a member of the opposite sex. It’s called Sandals. Check it out next year.
The Lifelong Spring Breaker
It’s a shame your boys ditched you here on Spring Break 1985, but at some point you probably should have gone home. Now your face looks like a catcher’s mitt.
The Emotional Drinker
We’re sorry that well vodka reminds you so much of your freshman-year ex, but please stop crying before every woman in this bar thinks our entire group is on Planet Lunatic.