Fact 1: SF single-handedly consumes around 35% of America's supply of Fernet Branca. Fact 2: Female marsupials have a double reproductive tract. Back to Fact 1: As the (un)official drink of bartenders and hardcore City-by-the-Bay-ers, FB has long deserved what we're finally giving it: a one-day, 14-stop crawl through the dive bars and highfalutin establishments that serve our favorite amaro in ways you never thought possible. But first... ... you definitely want to play this while reading. Stop One: Ever since you were a chubby kid in grammar school, you've had two mantras, "Dessert first" and "My mom says it's just baby fat that's gonna go away", so honor the first by grabbing Fernet mint chip ice cream made with chocolate nibs and crème de menthe (more booze) at Trick Dog. Stop Two: Swing by Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem for a glorious pour of the good stuff straight from their tap, then head back out to hit the road -- you have a long afternoon ahead of you. Stop Three: Time to head to one of the best restaurants in town... to completely ignore their food! Or don't; you might need some sustenance. Rich Coffee's Rich Table will give you the energy you need going forward with your crawl, combining Fernet, creme de cacao, Sightglass coffee, brown sugar, pistachio cream, and gold dust. Stop Four: Next stop, a favorite on the edge of the TL (do not venture further into that neighborhood), Jasper's Corner Tap & Kitchen. Their Mauna Loa's a rather tropical combo of Raynal Cognac, macadamia nut syrup, Marie Brizard crème de cacao, Fernet, and egg white. Stop Five: Don't worry, you don't have to take the stairs to reach the Palomar Hotel's cocktail lounge, Fifth Floor. After being out in the breezy elements all day, it's certainly a good time to warm up with the Miziers Demise: a Fernet hot chocolate that incorporates dark chocolate, crème de menthe, and a marshmallow infused with peppermint. Stop Six:
Stumble Gracefully stroll over to acrobat-featuring steampunk club Monarch to be crowned with their Kingmaker, a combo of Rittenhouse rye and ginger beer with a shot of Fernet on the side. Stop Seven: Go North, young man, to Charlie Palmer's speakeasy-style cocktail lounge Burritt Room, where the Grumpy Uncle sports rye, Fernet, sherry, and cherry (hey, that rhymes!). Stop Eight: This stop serves a double purpose, as Tony's Pizza Napoletana has some of the city's best pizza, and will keep you on your Fernet roll with a spiked chocolate/vanilla swirl milkshake that definitely brings all the boys to the yard. Fernet on Tap Lightning Round!!! Stop 13: OK, you just threw down four shots of the stuff, so time for a cool-down period to wrap up the day at Haas Brothers, where an extremely rare bottle of Mexican Fernet Vallet (wha??) awaits. You know you're gonna need a little "curarse la cruda" for la manana.