Regal meets retro in Union Square

Not the 16th-century sea captain & navigator, but certainly worthy of housing him, Sir Francis Drake is a Union Square hotel decidedly dripping with class and sophistication. With food plated by Top Cheftestants Jennifer Biesty & Tim Nugent and the speakeasy known as Bar Drake, you'll have plenty of exploring to do yourself

Upon arrival, you'll be met by this guy. Don't be scared and start helplessly screaming that someone's stealing your luggage -- he's actually a bell hop

Inside is almost too nice, with leather chairs, ornate chandeliers, and innumerable other luxurious things that you probably shouldn't sit on or touch

Check into one of their Deluxe Guestrooms, whose higher location provides prime views of Union Square, Nob Hill, the bay, and social stratification

Or upgrade to the Presidential Suite, which'll apparently give you wine, cheese, and grapes. What's fancier than grapes? Nothing

Dine on the top-floor (a.k.a., Harry Denton's Starlight Room) to down gourmet grub from Top Chef not-winner-but-still-really-good Jen Biesty.

It looks like they're storing Gatorade bottles in their wine cellar, probably because you need to hydrate to live this high

To take down something a little stiffer than wine (or Gatorade), hit Bar Drake for Sazeracs, Rob Roys, and Old Fashioneds, an signature tipple you'd have to be mad man not to try