Lifestyle

Save My Ass.com

You try hard to be good to the woman in your life. Unfortunately, your efforts are constantly undermined by the fact that you're a self-absorbed jackass. But if you can somehow spare two minutes to visit SaveMyAss.com, you'll preserve your crumbling relationship for the next year.

SMA steps in to remember what the part of your brain destroyed by hard drinking and gambling stress routinely forgets: to send your girlfriend flowers. Sign up, and they'll create a 12-month schedule starting with four major deliveries: her birthday, Valentines Day, your anniversary, and one wildcard apology day -- like the anniversary of your ill-conceived suggestion for a menage a trois with her Aunt Rudy

In addition to the big ones, SaveMyAss'll surprise her with "just because I care" flowers every 4-6 weeks, putting you at the same level as boyfriends who actually do care. There's a $5 surcharge per delivery, but beyond that, the flowers cost the same as they would in the unlikely event you ordered them from a florist yourself, like a normal person.

Other details of this indispensable service:

  • They'll email you before each delivery, reminding you to take credit for the super-thoughtful gift and, if necessary, that you still have a girlfriend.
  • The default bouquet is roses, but since getting the same flower 10 times a year might cause her to leave you out of boredom, you can send something with a little more spice, like the mum, the pansy, or the breathtaking Lou Diamond Phillips orchid.
  • Payment is made on a per-delivery basis, with no further commitment -- so if you decide to break up with her, she won't continue to receive periodic and confounding tokens of your love.

With SaveMyAss.com behind you, if she still calls it quits, it's because either she hates flowers, or your raging E.D.