Lifestyle

7 Sexy Services That Don't Involve Sex

The world is a lonely place filled with lonely weirdos. When those people aren't busy visiting houses of ill repute or having sex with robots, they're investing their time and money in strange, yet completely legal, services. Call us old-fashioned, but we miss the days when you could just pull into the parking lot of an IHOP and get a curated stroll down to third base from a woman named Cookie. The future is here and, thanks to the power of the Internet, people are finding new and exciting ways to get their rocks off. 

1.Professional Snuggling
This friendly-looking young lady is named Jacqueline. She established The Snuggery because she believes in the healing power of touch and for only $50, you can spend 45 minutes getting cuddled by ol' Jac. You can even have double-cuddle sessions and overnight cuddles — but that'll cost you $425. Sexual arousal is acknowledged as only natural, but she keeps things strictly platonic.

2.Rent a Friend
First off, these guys want you to know for sure that they're neither a dating site, nor an escort agency. So keep your damn hands off your new buds. The options for your rentable friend are endless: weddings, skiing, working out, bowling, eating, clubbing, and even just milling around. For $10 an hour and 526,873 friends to choose from, your Tuesday night just got busy — but not sexually, pervert. 

3.Rent a Ski Bunny 
Okay, so we can't entirely guarantee that this particular service is 100% non-sexual... judging by all the exposed nipple and lingerie shots. Regardless, for about 1000 EURO ($1360) an hour, you can "rent" a ski bunny to hit the slopes, sip hot chocolate, or hang by the fire. Each woman's profile lists their age, height, hobbies, comfort levels on the slopes, and prices. Hey, winter's cold. Sometimes you need the warm affection of a cold Ukrainian to, uh, make you feel nice? Man, Europe is all kinds of weird. 

4.Rent a Black Friend
Oh boy. There's so much yikes here. As they put it: "Everyone needs a black friend." It's true; this site will legitimately "rent" you a paid black actor to be your friend for events. They insist the best reasons are to have a person for: "High-Fives And/Or Fist Bumping." We're not saying white people don't know how to fist bump, but well...uh. Is that racist? This feels racist. Oh god. 

5.Get Professionally Tickled
Did you know you could tickle or be tickled for 30 minutes straight for the low price of $40?! True story. You can choose from an array of models who are willing to be the tickler or ticklee. As they put it: "Tickling can be a fun, exciting and sexy way to play with an energy that can go from sensual to torturous depending on your desires." Haha... tortuous. 

6.Fantasy House Cleaning
Sexy house cleaning! The vast list of "don'ts" on this site makes it very clear that these women are not escorts. You're not even allowed to touch yourself, let alone be touched — plus there's no photography allowed, and you're not allowed to watch the maid in more than groups of four. Though, to be fair, it'd be super weird to pay $100 an hour to watch a scantily clad maid clean your house with four other male friends. Super weird. 

7.Rent a Date
Here's why this isn't illegal: RentaDate.com is very much aware of how closely their site resembles an escort service; however, they don't employ people who solicit sex. So, for $125 an hour, you can go to a wedding with a nice young man or lady who won't pester you into doing mouth stuff or hand stuff. We can't promise a connection won't be forged, but there's no pressure... which is nice. 


Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and oranges make him want to die.