7 Ways To Gain Confidence

Dear Diary Sup DUDES,
How’s everyone doing out there? If you’re anything like me and were born with crushing social anxiety, you’ll know that doing something simple like shopping for beets or walking the-one-who-got-away’s boyfriend’s dog is an arduous, nerve-racking task. However, over the last few months, I’ve devised little “hacks” to lower your nervousness and up your confidence. Listen to me, people, and you’ll feel cooler than a snowman covered in dry ice and good vibes.

Despite what popular culture dictates, meeting one’s eye-line is a total beta-move. Try keeping your eyes set downwards, as if you’re silently judging your talking partner’s shoes, or even wildly look around as if you’ve lost something dear to you like a lug-nut or a motorcycle.

The only thing worse than a weak handshake is a weak drink, am I right? When you go in for a handshake, pretend you’re squeezing a piece of concrete with a hundred-dollar bill inside. Because, who doesn’t want $100?

Who was it that coined the phrase “speak softly and carry a big stick”? Some jerk? Forget that. Yell loudly and carry a stick that could commit an act of detrimental warfare reserved only for the most evil countries.

Know what’s worse than giving a keynote lecture on the benefits of yelling? Having to pee right in the middle of the damn thing. Before you leave your house, be sure to get rid of any and all extraneous liquids. Shower, towel off, pee, and coat your underarms in antiperspirant.

Taking out your aggression against something else that couldn’t even possibly begin to defend itself will relieve some of your anger, tension, and anxiety. The air isn’t even a entity, thus there’s no way it can stand up to your fists of fury. Stupid sky. How dare you. Lift your arms towards the heavens and show the world who’s boss. Bonus point if your pits are devoid of sweat and white marks.

Don’t look back, just run. People who run everywhere are important and couldn’t possibly suffer from any sort of mental tribulations—that’s what all those fat-cats will be saying to themselves once you glide past them.

Have a fear of flying? Take the longest flight possible. Scared of spiders? Take a bath full of arachnids. Hate crowds? Go onstage and air your grievances for all to hear. Pending you’ve followed the last five rules, this one should be easy. Be a hero, jump on a desk, give orders, be a boss. Profit.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and is a firm believer in weird handshakes. If you follow him on Twitter, he will send you a check for $40. No questions asked: @CandyandPizza