The 15 Movies Your Parents Never Let You Watch as a Kid
If you were between the ages of three and 20 during the 1990s, you got front-row seats to some of the finest films ever released. Starship Troopers, Showgirls, Eyes Wide Shut. All wonderful movies, but if you were under the age of 18—or just had incredibly overbearing parents—you weren't allowed to see these pieces of art without the oppressive hand of your father covering your eyes.
In the spirit of nostalgia and how popular it is to write listicles around the topic of the '90s, we put together this list of the 15 movies you weren't allowed to watch as a kid. Suck it, mom and dad!
Starring: Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle MacLachlan, Gina Gershon
Reasons: Hahaha. Christ. Everything. Full-frontal nudity, dirty dancing (obviously), a very intensely weird scene sex where Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan do it in a pool—which is really bad for you, btw. Here's the very NSFW scene.
Is It Still Good? Oh, it was never good, but it's absolutely perfect.
2. Total Recall
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sharon Stone, that three-breasted woman.
Reasons: Of course, there's the aforementioned three-breasted woman, the non-stop gratuitous violence, the scene where a dude is used as a human shield and—oh yeah—that terrifying dream sequence in which Arnold's f*cking face explodes on Mars.
Is It Still Good? Duh, it's a widely-known fact that all Arnold Schwarzenegger movies are impervious to the test of time. Especially The Terminator, but especially Jingle All The Way.
Starring: Wesley Snipes, Stephen Dorff, Kris Kristofferson
Reasons: IMDB is pretty much on-point with their warning of "pervasive vampire violence and gore."
Is It Still Good? Here's the thing about vampire movies: anything is a masterpiece when compared to Twilight.
4. Mortal Kombat
Starring: Christopher Lambert and a host of other people not worth mentioning.
Reasons: While the movie is hardly as violent as the popular arcade game, Mortal Kombat was not without its gratuitous violence and flagrant use of the word: "bullsh*t." Back then, it was all about emotional damage: remember with Liu Kang's brother gets his soul eaten? That's detrimental for a 10-year-old.
Is It Still Good? Oh my no.
5. Jurassic Park
Starring: Sam Neill, Laura Dern, our almighty lord: Jeff Goldblum.
Reasons: We're pretty convinced the PG-13 rating has to do with all the violent scenes of people getting eaten by dinosaurs. Remember when the lawyer is chomped as he's taking a dump? What an embarrassing and unlikely way to go.
Is It Still Good? Hell yes. It's one of the best movies out there and if you disagree, we'll feed you to our pet velociraptor.
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and Billy Zane—he's a cool dude.
Reasons: Oh, forget the fact that more than 1,500 people died during the sinking of the actual ship—it was that one breast that got every parent up in arms. Not being allowed to see Titanic is why countless young men can't draw women like one of those French girls.
Is It Still Good? Any movie starring Kate Winslet's wonderful bust is A-OK.
7. Pulp Fiction
Starring: John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, Uma Thurman, Ving Rhames
Reasons: God, you name it: violence, murder, drugs, Quentin Tarantino in an acting role. There's the scene where John Travolta accidentally shoots Marvin in the face and that's all within the first couple of minutes.
Is It Still Good? It's not just good, it's the best. If you were in college any time after 1994, you had a Pulp Fiction poster somewhere in your room.
8. Eyes Wide Shut
Starring: Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, cloaked figures having sex.
Reasons: We remember this being one of the first movies in which the simulation of the "simulated sex" scenes were highly debated. All of that aside, it still feels inherently wrong watching the famous orgy scene.
Is It Still Good? This movie was never good.
9. The Silence of the Lambs
Starring: Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins
Reasons: There are just too many to choose from—Buffalo Bill's little tuck dance, Jodie Foster getting pelted in the face with baby potion, Anthony Hopkins' tireless face-eating. It was a lot to deal with.
Is It Still Good? Any movie that can forever associate the 1988 classic "Goodbye Horses" with a murderous serial killer's hidden penis is a work of art.
10. There's Something About Mary
Starring: Cameron Diaz, Ben Stiller, Matt Dillon
Reasons: That one scene. That one damn masturbation scene. Not to mention that other damn scene where Ben Stiller gets EVERYTHING caught in his zipper. Ouch.
Is It Still Good? Don't know. My parents never let me watch it.
11. Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Edward Furlong, Robert Patrick
Reasons: Rampant robot-on-human violence, scenes of a nuclear holocaust, that one scene where T-1000 stabs the dude through a damn milk carton. That's dark.
Is It Still Good? It's good, because it's Arnold. Remember what we said about his movies earlier in the list?
Starring: Mel Gibson
Reasons: Our parents gave the excuse that the horrible torture scene at the end was too violent, but we'd like to think they had the foresight to know that Mel Gibson would eventually go insane.
Is It Still Good? Braveheart doesn't hold up and its historical inaccuracies are mind-blowing.
Starring: Frances McDormand, William H. Macy, Steve Buscemi
Reasons: Two words: Wood chipper.
Is It Still Good? Amazing.
14. Sling Blade
Starring: Billy Bob "The Thort" Thornton
Reasons: Profanity, rampant sling-blading.
Is It Still Good? Sort of, but we can't be the only ones who think Billy Bob Thornton's overly-touchy relationship with Angelina Jolie has forever branded him as "icky."
15. Starship Troopers
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Denise Richards, our boy NPH.
Reasons: Ridiculous bug-on-human violence, people's brains getting sucked out, Jake Busey.
Is It Still Good? Be thankful you weren't allowed to see this one when you were a kid. It's pretty horrific for a toddler, but incredibly hilarious as an adult. Starship Troopers has surpassed its original genre of "sci-fi thriller" and landed as "sci-fi cult classic."