All 24 Hours Of The Day, Ranked
The headline kind of says it all, doesn't it? Below are all 24 hours of the day, ranked from 24th to 1st. One important note: this applies only to the weekdays. Say, like, Monday through Friday, but usually not even Friday. On the weekends, all bets are off.
We shouldn't have to remind you, but we will, because we're sweethearts:
This list is correct.
24. 1:00 - 1:59 p.m.
There is no end in sight. Lunch is over (and you’re still hungry), you have like 18 hours left at work, and it’s all bright outside and just...horrible. You can’t even begin to flirt over text with the coffee shop girl who you somehow tricked into giving out her number, because what are you, desperate and pathetic? Well of course you are, but you can’t admit that yet.
23. 7:00 - 7:59 a.m.
Oh, you’re awake? Congratulations, BECAUSE THERE’S NO TIME LEFT TO ACTUALLY GET ANY SLEEP, and you might as well log-in and check your 0-4 fantasy football team.
Seven in the morning is also somehow the only hour you'll ever do the walk of shame. It’s bright (no sunglasses to mitigate the pain), somehow it’s already sticky and humid, you haven’t had coffee, your face has broken out with 17 new pimples, and everyone going to work at this hour is older (therefore judging you) and you might as well crawl in a hole and die. Thanks, 7 a.m., you just killed us.
22. 2:00 - 2:59 p.m.
Much of the 1 p.m. hour horror applies here, but the second hour into the post-meridiem poses a huge threat: meetings. Every meeting that was postponed from the morning has inevitably been pushed past lunch, and since all psychopaths (your superiors) eat lunch after one o’clock, you find yourself in a sh*t-storm 2:15 p.m. meeting that will naturally last 25 minutes longer than it should.
Worst part? You’re not in front of a computer, thereby missing out on HUGE gchat gossip opportunities. Like, if you asked me every day if I could skip the two o’clock hour entirely, but you had to slam a hammer into my thumb, I’d say, 'Okay.'
21. 9:00 - 9:59 p.m.
You’re balking at this, I know, but hear me out. You’re done working out—we like the gym, sorry; have you seen the people at Equinox?—you’ve eaten dinner (or, if you’re out to eat, it’s ending, as is happy hour), but you can’t quiiiiite justify going to bed, because what if something crazy happens on TV and then you're out of the loop the next day at work and like #gah, you know?
The nine o’clock hour is total limbo. Should you call your parents? Put in 45 minutes writing that screenplay? You don’t want to do either of these, but you’re being guilt-tripped into it. Oh, nine o’clock, get off your high horse.
20. 4:00 - 4:59 a.m.
It’s just like...a nothing hour. You’re awake? You must be on cocaine, which sucks, and is expensive, and it’s a gateway drug to marijuana. Bye.
19. 12:00 - 12:59 a.m.
Midnight is terrifying. The day is over, and you’ve accomplished nothing (don’t even pretend you have), and you’re stressed about tomorrow, because it’s only eight hours away. You’re all freaked out about falling asleep, which you can’t do, because you had six cups of coffee before noon and then a diet coke for lunch. You brush your teeth, check Tinder, lay in bed, and GOD BLESS IT!, you can’t fall asleep.
You then check Snapchat—nothing. You’re a loser. You put on Taylor Swift’s latest song (you don’t?) which only activates your creative juices. It’s 12:48 a.m. and you’re WIDE AWAKE. You hate yourself, but you reach for the iPad and...well...we all know what you’re about to do. You’re disgusting.
18. 4:00 - 4:59 p.m.
This was a very debated hour amongst the team here at Supercompressor. But ultimately, I side with our social media editor, dynamo Molly McGlew, who, at this point, will explain to you why 4 p.m. is miserable:
“You’re not even close to being finished for the day, and you've already suffered through the anguish of noon to 3:00 p.m. Plus, it’s too 'early' to start drinking and too late to eat lunch. So bad. P.S. I disagree with most of the rest of this list. Ryan’s weird.”
17. 6:00 - 6:59 a.m.
You know, six a.m., it's one thing to wake us mere mortals up in the morning. You do not, however, have the liberty to wake Bill Murray up in the dead of winter—again and again—when the man is just on assignment trying to get a word in with a Groundhog. You apologize to Mr. Murray right f***ing now.
16. 11:00 - 11:59 a.m.
Our favorite GIF can sum this one up.
15. 8:00 - 8:59 a.m.
Just about that time when you're starting to feel "sick." (Yeah, right, pal.) Eight a.m. should be wiped off the face of the Earth.
14. 5:00 - 5:59 p.m.
On the one hand, it's five o'clock, and it's drinking hour.
On the other hand, you may have to listen to this song, played all the time by morons everywhere.
13. 9:00 - 9:59 a.m.
For the nine a.m. hour, we let our incomparable editorial assistant Ali Drucker take it away.
"Nine in the morning, you are truly oppressive. You're either just getting to your desk, or well on the way to whatever indentured servitude pays the bills. You're probably late, increasing your already-high anxiety levels. Unless you're a 'wake up early and savor a coffee with Good Morning America' type, you're unlikely to be sufficiently caffeinated to deal with the onslaught of mind-numbing requests that inundate your phone and inbox.
You have the entire work day ahead of you. You are so very far from lunch, and your breakfast was unsatisfying. In a word, 9 a.m. is hateful."
12: 7:00 - 7:59 p.m.
Not terrible, not great. Are you still at work? Possibly. Are you home, but supposed to go to the gym? Yeah, probably. Or are you at the gym, but staring at your phone (not working out) instead? Yeah, probably.
11. 1:00 - 1:59 a.m.
Aaron Miller, Supercompressor’s resident autophile has some thoughts on the one a.m. hour.
"You’re either so soundly sleeping that your REM cycle’s stuck on repeat, or you’re still going strong, double fisting and alternating between beer and Red Bull, safe in the knowledge that even if you crash in a few hours, you’ll still get plenty of sleep and the next day’s not ruined. One a.m., let's get it on."
10. 12:00 - 12:59 p.m.
Another guest appearance, this time from Supercompressor's Jeremy Glass, who explains why the noon o'clock hour is so wonderful, as only Jeremy Glass can.
"Noon is a wondrous time that’s absolutely riddled with possibility and excitement. Noon is hungry and sexy and puts an end to the morning drawl of…the morning. If noon were a woman, she’d be the girl-next-door type with a really incredible butt I mean brain. Her name would probably be something like Maureen or Clementine and she’d be a great dancer. Oh, how we’d dance."
9. 3:00 - 3:59 a.m.
We’re not quite to the top third of the list here, but 3 a.m.’s the best among the mediocre, basically because the best white rapper from Detroit once sang a song about it that’s actually pretty sweet.
8. 10:00 - 10:59 p.m.
Stop doing the dishes. Stop cleaning your sink. And my word, push ‘start’ on the dryer, but stop doing laundry. Your day of working is over. Catch the local news telecast for weather, check in on Conan, and reply to any texts you missed throughout the day. Put your feet up. You are a king at 10 p.m. You earned it. Goodbye, day.
7. 6:00 - 6:59 p.m.
Happy hour! And work’s like, over, even if you’re still in the office. Plus, that store you passed this morning with the blazer on sale for 45% off is still open. The James Hotel roof deck? Well, if you insist.
6. 2:00 - 2:59 a.m.
Sleep is no longer a priority, and that’s either because of A) a concert, B) drugs, C) the girl from NYU who’s in her sophomore year but should technically be a junior because she spent a year abroad, or, D) all of the above. It’s all of the above, isn’t it? You hounddog, you.
It's all of that, or maybe you’re scrolling through this Twitter account, and hey man, that’s cool too.
5. 11:00 - 11:59 p.m.
If you aren’t in a relationship, you can skip this one. Those of you who are, let’s just call it like it is: the 11 o’clock hour is sexy time. This is when the magic happens. This is when you put on Green Day and do some loving for six or seven minutes. Maybe eight if you think about baseball.
4. 3:00 - 3:59 p.m.
I know, I know. But here’s what’s going on: it’s three o’clock and you haven’t been fired. WIN. That horsesh*t 2:15 p.m. meeting is over, and you have like 11 emails to come back to that actually aren't that bad, plus coffee girl fiiiinaly wrote you back (see 1 p.m. above), and it's the most endearing thing you've ever read.
If you're in college, three o'clock may go a little something like this:
Oh, and look at that, the office you just applied to be an intern for replied, and they want to see you at 11 a.m. next Thursday in the office UGH WHAT THE HELL I DIDN’T WANNA SPEND EVERY WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY THIS FALL DOING THAT BUT LIKE I NEED AN INTERNSHIP IF I WANNA KEEP MY FINANCIAL AID UGH DO YOU THINK HOMECOMING WILL BE FUN?
3. 5:00 - 5:59 a.m.
Oh, save it. Here’s the deal: woken up by sirens? Well guess what, your alarm is not for another two hours and six minutes. Still awake from the night before? Well, bravo, because you are somewhere strange (read: HOT), or you're about to finish a code/novel that’ll end up getting you rich and sexy. Damnit you have a good work ethic. Wanna go to dinner some time?
2. 10:00 - 10:59 a.m.
Okay. You’ve had your iced cof—HOLD UP—you’re having your iced coffee and it’s amazing because iced coffee is everything. Oh, it’s not? You’re a communist? Got it. Two things:
1) You’ve gotten over the fact that you have to work for a living and have $245.67 in your checking account and owe $4,578.38 on your credit card. Everyone around you looks nice.
2) Your cute-as-f*** skirt/flannel shirt is getting attention from both sexes. BOOM.
Bonus: you’ve taken a...well, you know, by now? Man. You’re rolling.
1. 8:00 - 8:59 p.m.
Let’s get naked. OMG.
Are you more of a baller than at any other time than the eight o’clock hour? You just PIMPED some hottie on the L train (lol: he was headed to Bushwick; you were getting off at Bedford, but you exchanged numbers and JESUS he was hot), Girls is about to start and HEYO!, that $30 (discounted) sushi order is on its way.
It’s still early enough where anything could happen—freak invite to The Standard?!?—but yet late enough to have forgotten about the fact that you replied-all to an email and wrote that one of your best friends is a total chore for what she wore (want me to keep rhyming?) at that Labor Day bar-b-que and can you believe how hard/fake she was laughing with Brandon like do you think they made out I knew it they totally did.
No but seriously like eight o’clock is amaze wow you don’t agree? Okay goodbye forever, then.
Ryan Hatch is the deputy editor of Supercompressor. He doesn't blame you for not giving him the time of day.