All 50 State Shapes, Ranked
Stop scrolling down! Gawd. Your attention span is like a mosquito's. Okay, okay, fine. We know you want to see where your state ranks. But wouldn't you mind taking a few moments to hear about Jesus? Just kidding.
(As usual, don't argue with this ranking. It's correct. Sorry we're not sorry, Maryland.)
*Shoots whiskey for 36 seconds*
*Googles pictures of Wilford Brimley*
*Puts head in microwave*
You have got to be f****** me. This is the best you could do? A square? I regret ever having lived there.
*Grabs paper towel, clears vomit off screen*.
This is not a goddamn LEGO set, Kansas.
There are three instances of violations by Missouri here.
1. It’s digging into Arkansas’ head with its hoof (okay?)
2. It’s digging into Illinois’ belly with its thumb (why? Gross!)
3. It’s allowing its fat neck rolls to lay on Kansas’s chest as if it’s sitting coach on a domestic flight to Tulsa with its seat reclined, ruining everyone’s day.
Get the hell out of here, Missouri.
44. New York
It’s a genetically deformed piece of Wonder Bread toast, Long Island being the cut-off crust. (Side note: kids who made their parents cut off the crust are going to hell.)
43. North Dakota
Too bland, too stale, too unimaginative, too...rectangley, North Dakota. Misery.
42. Rhode Island
Is this a joke?
Nope, no coastline is that smooth. Liars. We blame Phil Knight.
40. South Dakota
What is “South Dakota,” exactly?
Chukka shoe-like. Chukkas are so-Virginia: wonderful in the right setting, but mostly they're just pretentious and induce much eye-rolling.
More creative than Oregon, but why are they opening their mouth like a fish to kiss Canada?
Too top-heavy; going to crumble into Mississippi/Tennessee any day now.
Too much belly fat.
35. New Hampshire
Like a piece of rock you see broken off on the beach that you try and skip but the jagged edge derails the whole thing and the girl you brought to your family’s beach house begins to lose interest and by the end of the trip she’s already texting with your roommate who has like TWO Scarface posters on his wall and eats macaroni and cheese out of the box but has a trust fund and like gets every girl God I hate him do you think he’d noticed if I sh*t in his bed hey what are we talking about?
Cool oven mitten, bro. You haven’t baked anything worth sh*t since the Fab Five in ‘92. And even they lost the national championship. TWICE.
It’s like they want to literally slide everyone down into the hell-hole that is Las Vegas.
Hideous, but at least it’s not promising much. Like everyone from Connecticut.
God forbid you let Florida extend its panhandle. What’s your problem, 'Bama? Winning the national championship every year isn't enough for you?
Hey, cute little button on the top of your hat! Just kidding. Looks bad. This was not supposed to be a King piece for a chess set.
Grabs all the coast line and snatched half of Tahoe from poor Nevada. Greedy. Go away.
What’s with that NUB hanging out on the east side? Tuck that thing in; you're embarrassing yourself!
Hey buddy, why don’t you go ahead and put the mouse back in the house; this is a family establishment.
Like pancake drip on the Pacific Ocean. Hawaii’s actually annoying as all hell. Anyone ever been there? Think the Obamas went once and like George Clooney and his two daughters still live on the main land.
25. New Jersey
Stop sucking in, Chris Christie. Turn around, face the beach, and let it all hang loose.
It’s like a profile-shot of an Angry Bird.
You see a frying pan? We see a short-handle meat-cleaver with blood dripping off its jagged blade having just been in the skull of Texas. Have you ever lived in Oklahoma? Well, I have, and that’s what everyone in Oklahoma wants to do to Texas, so this is correct.
Deceptively long. So, like Montana, it’s doing a lot of heavy lifting. But what’s with all the serious straight lines? Like okay we get it, Pennsylvania, YOU’RE HERE TO MAKE STEEL. Calm down.
21. New Mexico
Kind of like Alabama with that weird toe thing on the west side, but NM puts up with Arizona and Texas every day as neighbors, so New Mexico has our sympathy. It also has Walter White, and that's all we ever have cared about.
You guys must just be really happy to see Michigan, no?
In the shape of a “V,” which was very thoughtful of them so we could label it during our 5th grade test.
18. West Virginia
It’s like Washington DC’s thought-bubble, except there are no thoughts of Washington DC that're worth hearing.
What is this, an Arm & Hammer commercial? Quit flexing, cool guy at the gym wearing an UnderArmour beanie.
It’s like...snooty. Look! It’s turning its nose up to us. Or to California. Okay maybe that’s not so bad?
Did you know that if you placed Alaska on top of the 48 contiguous states that it’d like, cover the entire country? Its tentacles, like, touching every part of it. Kind of intrusive. Always reminded me of this, for some reason.
It actually kind of looks like a Buckeye! Great play, Ohio.
13. North Carolina
North Carolina looks like a cornucopia. If Wikipedia’s to be trusted (it is), then this translates into a good thing, because a cornucopia is a “symbol of abundance and nourishment, commonly a large horn-shaped container overflowing with produce, flowers or nuts.”
Nicely done, Tennessee. You terrify us all with this.
Like its lobsters, Maine will slice your damn finger off the second you touch it. Look at that jagged coast!
Kentucky really let rivers get the best of ‘em. But hey, there are worse things. Rivers are nice.
Whoa, actually looks like a “G.” Well played, Georgia.
Like a Christmas stocking mom just hang over the fireplace. We can all cozy up to that.
A Big 'ole buffalo, Montana is. Does a lot of heavy-lifting no other states wanted to do. We appreciate the effort, guys.
Like a fat, double-barrel shotgun. Giddyup!
It’s like a cute little Tetris-y Christmas tree ornament. We like Christmas!
4. South Carolina
Hi, South Carolina.
(Just give up. Stop. You know Texas has an almost-perfect shape. Just move on.)
US Gov’t to Idaho: “You guys are gonna HAVE to share a border with Canada.
Idaho: “NO! No f****** way! We’re not drinking any f****** Merlot!”
US Gov’t: “What!?”
Idaho: “We’re quoting Sideways. God, you don’t get anything!”
US Gov’t: “Can we just calm down?”
Idaho: “We don’t like Canada.”
US Gov’t: “We know, we know. Look, Montana’s doing a lot of heavy lifting here. Just, just help us out.”
Idaho: “Fine. As long as you barely recognize us as a state and don’t ever encourage anyone to ever visit us.”
US Gov’t: “Don’t think you’re gonna have any problem with that.”
That said, look at that shape! Get it, girl.
Not only does it LOOK like an old leather boot that has no plans on giving out, Louisiana acts like one too. Hurricanes, an annual f***-fest through the heart of town, like six months of oppressive heat each year...nothing kills Louisiana and/or its spirit.
Also, once upon a time, it owned like half the damn country through the Louisiana Purchase. Which was a hell of a purchase, seeing as how it went for only $11.2 million at the time. That'd be like a three-bedroom in downtown New Orleans these days.
Ryan Hatch is the deputy editor of Supercompressor. He still receives death threats from Oklahoma Sooners fans.
Ted Gushue is the executive editor of Supercompressor. He supports the efforts of these Oklahoma Sooners fans.