The mob mentality and "me-first" attitude perpetuated by these brick and mortar megastores can bring out the worst in consumerism and collective culture as a whole, and by taking a step back and examining it from a logical point of view, there's absolutely no reason to put your safety on the line for any material item. In all seriousness, we genuinely hope no one is injured during the ongoing festivities, but such (warranted) concerns just reinforce my point.
That being said, in my opinion, it is your right, neigh—your national duty—as a red-blooded American consumer to participate in the Yuletide revelry that is the holiday shopping season, but do so like a 21st century adult.
This Black Friday, stay in, keep warm, and buy all the cool sh*t you want. Just make sure you stroke the nation's economy from the comfort of your computer chair, and not the local mall. Remember, it's for the greater good.
Wil Fulton is a recent Harvard grad who just received his triple Black-Belt in kung-fu, shortly after escorting Miss America safely to the top of Mount Everest. He’s also a compulsive liar. Follow him for the real truth @WilWithOnlyOneL