Animal Barware For When Nature Calls

Barware doesn't need to be that "free" corkscrew that you stole from your mom and dad's, or that thousand dollar decanter you were tricked into buying in Italy. For the animal lovers out there, these five pieces of barware are perfect for thinking outside the box and straight into the nearest jungle, or ocean. Especially useful for those who live in apartments that don't allow animals

The Dog Bottle Opener - $14
Man's best friend or bottle's worst enemy? The quality craftsmanship on this aluminum and brass mutt is totally impressive, even though we can't quite figure out how exactly it opens bottles. Maybe with its butt? Probably the butt. 

The Shark Bottle Opener - $38
Let's hope the rate of shark attacks on bottles skyrockets — because frankly, we love the way these golden teeth lead us straight to the cool taste of beer. With bronze-infused stainless steel biting through your caps, you're gonna need a bigger boat... load of drinks. 

The Bear Pewter & Glass Stirrup Cup Set - $225
These stirrup cups are traditionally used for the farewell nightcap drinks of port and sherry, but no one's going anywhere once these works of art are busted out. Gentle Ben ain't got sh*t on these grizzly cups. Really lends itself to quality Kodiak moments.

Alligator Bottle Opener - $20
This stealthy, borderline frightening aluminum bottle opener has the strength of a powerful amphibious reptile without any of those bummer people-eatin' vibes. 

Duck Face Bottle Opener - $46.62
It's just like the old saying you see everywhere: "a dismembered duck's head goes a long way when you put a little effort into it." Does anyone else feel a hint of sympathy for this guy? Sure, it never had a mom... but it also never had the chance. 

Cuttlefish Bottle Opener - $85
This guy's resemblance to the fictional cosmic entity, Cthulhu, almost makes you forget you're using this to open a beer bottle and not the gates of hell. Almost. 

Mermaid Bottle Opener - $14
Not the first piece of mermaid paraphernalia we've covered and certainly not the last. This is the classic pirate-chic chunk of barware that tough guys with tattoos of their dead wives use. While she's technically not human, animal, or real, she still beats opening a brew with a merman

Moby Whale Bottle Opener - $12
Maybe Captain Ahab just needed to toss down a cold one to calm his unquenchable bloodlust for Dick. This silver-colored pewter bottle opener makes a handsome accessory for both the animal barware collection and the maritime paraphernalia assemblage.  

Copper Salmon - $46.62
This salmon has been around since the 1940s — that's over seventy years of upstream cap-popping. It's pretty easy to believe once you consider this thing is made entirely out of copper. Did you know a salmon can live up to seven years? You can see some wild things in that amount of time. 

Go forth and drink, old chap!

Jeremy Glass wrote this entire article just so he could link out to the clip from Ace Ventura in the opening paragraph.