Apple's 10 Most Perverted Apps
You guys have heard of Apple, right? They're the ones who put out the competing MP3 player that ran the Zune into the ground (goodnight, sweet prince) and released a phone that sort of changed the way Americans connect. As of June 2014, 500 million iPhones have been sold worldwide, with one in four adult Americans carrying one. Yes, it's clear we're all infatuated with Apple—but you know what Apple's not infatuated with? SMUT.
Despite the fact nearly a quarter of the country carries a phone with the ability to bring up NSFW material at the drop of a hat, Apple's stance on pornographic material has remained strictly PG. So says the App Store Review Guidelines: "Apps containing pornographic material, defined by Webster's Dictionary as 'explicit descriptions or displays of sexual organs or activities intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings', will be rejected." To put it simply, pornographic laws are as outlawed as dancing from the first half of Footloose.
Regardless, there are some apps out there that bend the rules. They barely squeak by the review guidelines under the guise of being "fun" or "silly," but contain much darker and sexier ulterior motives that teeter on perversion. So, for those who are tired of Googling boobs, here are the 10 most perverted apps in the App Store.
(Pro tip: don't miss the star review on No. 5)
Description: "INTERACTIVE REAL GIRL RESPONSIVE TO YOUR TOUCH **Enjoy 17 touch responses. Real videos of spicy girl** Enjoy coolest and most interactive touch responses of the virtual girlfriend. High quality video shooting with fancy moves and high quality sounds"
Star Review: "Is very good & she should be very ticklish at her feet & under her arms. Have both her arms up so you can tickle her also make it so you can tickle her between her legs *runs out of room* I could tickle her under the arm all day.."
Supercompressor Review: A "Brunette edition" of anything doesn't bode well and this app rates highest on the creep-o-meter, because the entity on the other side of the screen is literally programmed to be passive.
Description: "Nüdifier™ is a fun, easy to use app that makes the mysterious and previously high-cost process of Nüdification™ available to everyone."
Star Review: "This app may cost $0.99 but it's not worth it. There's no way to fine tune what you want to blur and it never gets you out of the tutorial and constantly takes you to it's iAP Banner. Even the blurring looks sloppy and stupid. You can't even edit pixel size. I'm getting a refund, this app is crap."
SC Review: We can see this one causing some rifts in friendships when your mutual female friend inevitably sees her artificially blurred out t*ts on your phone.
Description: "The second installation in Lesbian Erotica Short Stories (Volume 2) which contains over 30,000 decadent, erotic words dripping with sexual lesbian electricity. Inspired by many great true-life and internet stories, this collection will arouse and stimulate you in a way that porn, or XXX sex videos cannot...The preview chapter is FREE, and you can unlock the rest of the chapters for a small price!"
Star Review: "Can you remove this from my purchased list cause some kid downloaded this on my phone when he took it"
SC Review: People, there's a whole world of well-written smut out there—Henry Miller made his career on literary porn. This is is a different level of erotica: the kind that's free and written by nerds.
Description: "H&E naturist is the leading monthly magazine aimed at all those who enjoy a clothes-free lifestyle. Featuring the latest news, excellent writing and strong opinions on nude related topics from travel and leisure to art and culture, backed up by some brilliant photography, H&E offers unrivaled coverage of the naturist world."
Star Review: n/a
SC Review: I think you'll find the ratio of perverts vs. people who are interested in the nudist movement for the purpose of joining the nudist movement is a bit skewed.
Description: "The hottest sex tips on the App store. Sex tips for guys, girls, threesomes, for kinky sex, and for lasting longer in bed! Impress your partner TODAY."
Star Review: "Wonderful app to get some new ideas to keep a marriage healthy and full of new ideas!!! Now it just needs to get my wife somehow convinced to have a threesome (get another woman in bed with us)!!! It tells her why she has no reason to be jelleous!!! It is only sex with any other woman!!!!!!! That is how you keep a marriage healthy and believe it or not a big reason marriages work out these days!!!!!!!"
SC Review: The tips are nothing you don't already know. Google "sex tips" if you're really desperate.
Description: "Show off what your iPhone can do to your friends with your own interactive cutie! Next time you go through a breakup with your hot babe, just pop out your iPhone or iPod Touch and say you've been secretly dating someone hotter, intelligent in a GS sort of way, and more cute. Maybe she'll think you're adorable enough to take you back. Or if you've ever wanted a second girl in your relationship pop out your girlfriend app and see where things go."
Star Review: "Dont bother downloading. It is a big waist of time. Please remove from my purchased list"
SC review: What this guy ^ said.
Description: "Adult Video Cover Booth HD is the perfect booth for you and your friends to make the funniest jokes and pranks. Featuring a variety of warning signs, censorship, and hilarious film titles, Adult Video Cover Booth HD will transform you and your friends into the Hottest and Funniest Adult Stars."
Star Review: "Why Apple let sell this?"
SC Review: Ninety-nine cents is about 98 cents too much for this app.
Description: "Makes a great personal massager. Vibration has been proven to stimulate hair growth, treat cellulite, and wrinkles. Relax with iVibe Massager Lite. Full version has 4 different vibrational modes, all of which come complete with mesmerizing graphics. iVibe Massager Lite makes great use of the iPhone’s internal vibrating function turning your phone into a personal vibrating massager."
Star Review: "My friends thought it would be hilarious to download this and I don't want my parents to see it."
SC Review: I would only not want my parents to see this because they'd make fun of me for downloading such a sh*tty app.
Description: "BubbleNaked is a funny photo editing app, that uses a special bubble technique to hide people's clothing."
Star Review: "It keeps crashing on my iPad 2!"
SC Review: Well, we're on an iPad mini, and it works fine. That said, save your money. It's not funny.
Description: "Do you want to be able to take photos and record videos without being noticed and disturbing others? Private Ninja Cam lets you capture photos and record videos whilst you are surfing on the internet."
Star Review: "Would be perfect if it had and "offline" mode for web pages like reading list so you can download an article and keep reading when not above ground and even better if you could have the option of also using the volume buttons as a trigger."
SC review: Actually pretty sweet. And it's free. Go for it, slugger.